Who Is Chris Christie Punching In The Face Today?

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is a raging dick -- but that's not a bug, it's a feature. It's his brand, and he's damn proud of it, and he's never going to change, eff you, buddy. His pitch to voters is: "It's time to start offending people." This strategy has worked well for him in New Jersey, where 65 percent of voters are only saying he'd be a god-frickin'-awful president because they lurve him so much, they want to keep him for themselves.

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When shouting at constituents and telling them how wrong they are, or that they need to "sit down and shut up" doesn't work, there's always violence. Christie was reminded of this very fact during an interview with Jake Tapper on "State of the Union":

TAPPER: During your first term as governor, you were fond of saying that you can treat bullies in one of two ways. Quote: "You can either sidle up to them, or you can punch them in the face." You said, I like to punch them in the face. At the national level, who deserves a punch in the face?

For a lesser man, this would have been an opportunity to clarify or correct or evolve, or in some way demonstrate that, as a candidate for the presidency, he understands that using your words like a grown-up is the better, more diplomatic way to resolve problems. But Christie's dick brand is already suffering, what with Donald Trump's bigger, classier "I'M THE DICK HERE!" brand overshadowing Christie's. He's really got to up his game if he has any chance of reclaiming title of Dickiest Dick in the GOP primary -- or hell, even squeaking his way into the Top Ten for Thursday's first Republican presidential debate.

So, does Christie have a preferred face to punch?

"Oh, the national teachers' union," he responded without missing a beat. And why would he like to punch the union right in the face? Because the union has "already endorsed Hillary Clinton 16, 17 months before the election." Well, endorsing an opponent is an excellent reason for face-punching, isn't it? Any other justifications, Governor?

They're not for education for our children. They're for greater membership, greater benefits, greater pay for their members. And they are the single most destructive force in public education in America.

Far be it from us to question the governor's claims -- and not just because we're afraid he might yell at us or violence up our faces -- but educating our children and wanting a decent wage, plus benefits, are not mutually exclusive. In 2010, public school teachers in New Jersey were paid an average $63,000 a year. That's about 100 grand less than the governor, who despite his net worth of approximately $5 million, does not consider himself "a wealthy man." And that doesn't include all of his fantastic benefits.

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We really do admire Christie's literal fighting spirit, but in this fucktastrophe of a primary race, Christie's going to have to do even more to distinguish himself from all the other raging dicks. Hey, Gov, how many pull-ups can you do?



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