Who Wants To Help Tucker Carlson And Lou Dobbs Work Through Their Feelings?


It's all happening tomorrow. No matter how long it takes, and no matter if Mike Pence shows up to smile and look unpretty while he does his ceremonial constitutional duty or if he hides in Mother Pence's bosom and cries, "Bubbles doesn't WANNA go to Congress today!" (Reporting is unclear on that. But his childhood nickname was definitely "Bubbles.")

It's happening.

And over there on the Fox News, America's most milquetoast whinyass man TV hosts are having a week with their emotions.


TUCKER CARLSON: Virtually every power center on Earth joined the cause. That included big business, Wall Street, the defense establishment, pharma, the permanent bureaucracy in Washington and above all, Silicon Valley. All of these power centers worked tirelessly from the day Biden got the nomination until the first Tuesday in November to bypass voters and get Joe Biden to the White House.

Google changed its famed algorithm to obliterate traffic to websites that criticized Joe Biden. Facebook and Twitter did essentially the same thing. If that's not rigging an election, there's no meaning to that phrase.


LOU DOBBS: Eight weeks from the election, and we still don't have verifiable, tangible support for the crimes that everyone knows were committed,. [...] We have had a DEVIL of a time finding actual proof! Why?


Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. This is pathetic.

Tucker, it seems clear, is upset and confused and probably feeling extremely insecure in his masculinity — but best we can tell, that pretty much describes him on all days. Lou, we are guessing, will be spending a lot of time in the next few weeks leaking clearance rack Just For Men on to his North Korean News Lady Halloween costume while he berates himself in the mirror about how he failed his Dear Leader.

And we are fine with that, because the only thing as fun as watching Donald Trump lose is watching his vilest minions flail around about it.

We have been explaining this for weeks, and we don't really want to explain it again, but it's real goddamn simple. Google did not "rig" the election against Joe Biden. Facebook and Twitter labeling obvious Trump lies as lies did not "rig" the election. And poor Lou over here, he's just almost on the precipice of understanding that they've had such a DEVIL of a time finding proof of election rigging because there wasn't any fucking election rigging, you absolute moron.

But once again, for the stupid kids in the back:

Occam's Razor, which does indeed cut like a knife if you're on the business end of it, says Donald Trump lost to Joe Biden by seven million votes because America loathes Donald Trump and everything he stands for more than these pissant little Fox News fucks will ever understand. Loathes him. We recognize that Donald Trump is the stupidest, saddest, most pathetic fraud in the history of the world, and we hate everything about him. We hate what he has done to this country, and we hate him personally. We said for years that we'd walk over hot coals uphill both ways in the snow to vote against the motherfucker on November 3, 2020, and we came through on that promise.

Know who else we hate? Every garbage POS right-wing media hack who lied and carried water for that leaking ass carbuncle loser.

(And yes, we know the Lord doesn't want us to hate, but we think it's probably OK, because we imagine the Lord has already given His own holy self a pass for also hating Donald Trump. Whatever happened in the God factory that day, there was obviously a workplace accident.)

That, you fucking losers, is happened. It was not "rigged." It is not true that "everyone knows" the election was stolen from Trump. What everyone knows is that all the polls said we were going to absolutely PANTS that blabbering shithole on election day, and we did.

And you know what else, Tucker and Lou? This ain't your limp-dicked white supremacist country, and it ain't Trump's. It's all of ours. Love it or fucking leave it.

For God's sake, Trump's "victory" in 2016 was a Russian fluke. America hated his ugly trash ass then, and his approval rating never went above 50 percent for the entire length of his failed presidency. We said many times that he was irredeemable, that there was nothing he could do to win our love or support. We meant it.

Now if you could kindly take your crybaby bellyaching somewhere else, because we're preparing to inaugurate a real president of the United States.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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