Who Will Save The Babies Now That Antonin Scalia Is Roasting In Hell?

BRB, busy not missing this guy

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia (or "Anthony" Scalia if you are a moron, like Michele Bachmann ) died Saturday night, when his heart quite suspiciously up and quit, as if a 79-year-old with health problems suddenly dying out of the blue is even a thing.

Fortunately, the crackerjack team of internet investigators in the wingnutosphere are already on the case to prove President Obama had Scalia murdered in order to replace him with Saul Alinsky times Marx raised to the power of Jeremiah Wright, but with a vagina. Good thing Obama is no longer president, according to David Brooks and conservative dimwits who think the Constitution says President Blackity So Black only gets to serve three fifths of a term, so he lacks the authority to nominate Scalia's replacement.

[contextly_sidebar id="mbLwsxfREcjQbOLFRhrublhNnMPz208A"]Meanwhile, nerds across the land are doing nerd math to calculate What It All Means for the court's cases on which Scalia would have been a reliable "fuck all y'all union thugs and baby-killing slut-pill poppers" vote. With an evenly divided bench -- four libtards and four True Patriots, except for sometimes when that traitor John Roberts does socialized medicine to our throats -- the court, like the rest of the U.S. government, is now in full-on broke-ass gridlock, hooray!

[contextly_sidebar id="b084PMWZj2uM3ULgx7qhS5fw8fLiiIm6"]What happens in the event of a tie? Thumb war? Naked wrestling? Coin flip? Clarence Thomas gets to be dead Scalia's proxy and vote twice? Nope! The eight unelected lawyers in robes are rendered utterly impotent, the lower court's ruling stands, and the conservative agenda to overturn Roe v. Wade and ban unions and affirmative action and strike down the contraceptive mandate and roll back voting rights and a million other terrible awful no good very bad things chokes on a big fat dick.

[contextly_sidebar id="rI1GRYevKRsmCPO0cnBCOMsKCzgxJJEA"]That's why Republicans started insisting, before the corpse was even cold, that President Obama has no right to appoint Scalia's replacement unless he gets permission from The People first. Here is great legal thinker Ted Cruz, saying a bunch of stupid on that:

If liberals are so confident that the American people want unlimited abortion on demand, want religious liberty torn down, want the Second Amendment taken away, want veterans’ memorials torn down, want the crosses and Stars of David sandblasted off of the tombstones of our fallen veterans, then go make the case to the people.

Since Cruz is from Canada, we know he doesn't get how American elections work, but obviously that's exactly what The People want, since they elected President Obama TWICE.

Still, Cruz and the rest of his Senate colleagues figure it's better to leave that seat empty until President Donald J. Trump can appoint the right kind of Jesus-loving Scalia-esque strict constructionist: a man (obviously) who knows the 14th Amendment isn't just for blacks but still doesn't apply to chicks ; that the Constitution does not say one word suggesting butt-humping in the privacy of your own home is A-OK; and there is definitely a little-known codicil somewhere in there that prohibits Muslims from being American.

There is the very slight possibility, barely worth mentioning, that Republicans are doing their math wrong. What if -- and we know, we know, it's all but UNPOSSIBLE -- Republicans don't win the White House in November? And The People say, "Yup, we definitely want President The Clintons and Vice Socialist Bernie Sanders to implement the liberal wet dream, starting with cloning Ruth Bader Ginsburg"?

Guess Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and the rest of the Republicans will just have to keep holding their breaths another few years. Unless they lose the Senate too, and the new Democratic majority tells them to eat the aforementioned big fat dick and get ready for Supreme Court Justice Liz Warren.

Oh, but that would never happen. If there's one thing Republicans are real good at, it's presidential election math. 

[ Mediaite ]