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Good news, everyone, the crimes you thought happened at the White House did not actually happen at the White House, because (acting) White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has released a statement to say Donald Trump did not commit the crimes Mick Mulvaney admitted Trump committed on live TV several hours before this statement right here, which is the truth.


Here's the transcript of the statement. The parts we think are funny are in ALL CAPS:

Once again, the MEDIA HAS DECIDED TO MISCONSTRUE MY COMMENTS TO ADVANCE A BIASED AND POLITICAL WITCH HUNT AGAINST PRESIDENT TRUMP.

You know, by watching his comments on TV and writing them down.

Let me be clear, there was absolutely no quid pro quo between Ukrainian military aid and any investigation into the 2016 election.

Yesterday you said there totally was, because that's just how things work in the Trump White House, GET OVER IT.

The president never told me to withhold any money until the Ukrainians did anything related to the server.

I mean, we think he actually did. (Not that "server" is actually a real thing outside Trump's Imagination Hole.)

The only reasons we were holding the money was because of concern about lack of support from other nations and CONCERNS OVER CORRUPTION.

"Corruption." And what was that code for? Because these numbnuts don't actually expect us to believe that DONALD TRUMP is worried about actual corruption, do they? Fuck off.

Multiple times during the more-than 30 minute briefing where I took over 25 questions, I referred to PRESIENT TRUMP'S INTEREST IN ROOTING OUT CORRUPTION IN UKRAINE, and ensuring taxpayer dollars are spent responsibly and appropriately. There was never any connection between the funds and the Ukrainians doing anything with the server -- this was made explicitly obvious by the fact that

Mick Mulvaney said the exact opposite during his confessional?

the aid money was delivered without any action on the part of the Ukrainians regarding the server.

More like y'all dipshits got caught, MORE LIKE. (We are aware of the timeline of when the aid was finally released, which was just two days before Adam Schiff went public with the existence of the whistleblower complaint, and, by the way, even Mitch McConnell was losing his shit.)

Anyway, is that all clear? The live TV appearance where Mulvaney said OF COURSE aid to Ukraine was conditional upon President Volodymyr Zelenskiy ordering fake investigations into Trump's fake conspiracy theories about DNC servers buried in the backyard in Ukraine, and if you don't like it, GET OVER IT? That was fake news, and if you believe Mick Mulvaney on TV, you probably are dumb and believe Fake News CNN too. Statement later released by Mulvaney, after he managed to piss off everybody including Trump's lawyers and the Trump Justice Department, where he said OF COURSE NOT there was no quid pro quo? That is the real shit right there.

Just for funsies, let's go to the tape and the YouTube of exactly what Mulvaney said yesterday from the White House press briefing room:

Mulvaney Tells Reporter: 'Get Over' Quid Pro Quo: 'It Happens All The Time' | Velshi & Ruhle | MSNBC www.youtube.com


MICK MULVANEY: Did [Trump] also mention to me in the past the corruption related to the DNC server? Absolutely! No question about that. But that's it! And that's why we held up the money!
ABC NEWS'S JONATHAN KARL: So the demand for an investigation into the Democrats was part of the reason that he ordered to withhold funding to Ukraine?
MICK MULVANEY: The look back to what happened in 2016 certainly was part of the thing that he was worried about in corruption with that nation. And that is absolutely appropriate.

And:

KARL: Let's be clear. What you just described is a quid pro quo. Funding will not flow unless the investigation into the Democratic server happened as well.
MULVANEY: We do that all the time with foreign policy. [...] What did [recently resigned Pompeo deputy Michael] McKinley say yesterday? McKinley said yesterday that he was really upset with the political influence in foreign policy. And I have news for everybody. Get over it.

We dunno, guys, do y'all believe Mick Mulvaney, or do you believe Mick Mulvaney? We believe Mick Mulvaney, which is quite a thing, because these fuckers are always bellyaching about how nobody takes anything the Trump administration says seriously, and then the (acting) chief of staff goes to the podium and confesses to a bunch of Trump crimes and everybody believes him and suddenly they're like "STOP BELIEVING US!"

Mulvaney, elsewhere in his presser yesterday, said there were three reasons Trump was withholding Ukraine's military aid that it desperately needs to protect itself from Russia, funds that had already been appropriated by Congress: 1) "corruption"; 2) Trump's whining about other countries not helping Ukraine enough; and 3) "whether or not they were cooperating in an ongoing investigation with our Department of Justice" into the conspiracy theories about the 2016 election that sprout from Trump's B-hole.

Come on, we all know what they did. We have the Ukraine call transcript ("I would like you to do us a favor, though") and the whistleblower complaint and the State Department texts ("As I said on the phone, I think it's crazy to withhold security assistance for help with a political campaign") and the congressional testimony of ALL THESE current and former Trump administration officials, all of whom say Trump did the crime/s.

Here is what we think happened: Donald Trump expects loyalty from all his minions, but feels no loyalty toward them or anyone else. So he forced Mulvaney to go out there and walk the plank for him, and like all the president's other stupid ideas, it went poorly, because Donald Trump is an abject fucking moron. After all, this is the guy who also thought it would be a good idea to tweet out that picture of Nancy Pelosi beating the shit out of him and making him call her "Daddy." He's a total idiot.

So, seeing that Mulvaney OOPSIE confessed to the crime of Trump extorting Ukraine for investigations into his political rivals -- but just the 2016 election stuff, not the Joe Biden stuff! LOLOL, BULL FUCKING SHIT -- and that it wasn't received as well as President Brain Genius thought it would be, he made Mulvaney throw himself under the bus with this statement.

Did we mention the statement was not playing well with folks out there in DC, including those otherwise inclined to support President Crime Ass?

"Totally inexplicable," said one GOP lawmaker, speaking on the condition of anonymity to be candid. "He literally said the thing the president and everyone else said did not happen."

Right, because they did it, fucking idiot GOP lawmaker speaking on the condition of anonymity to be candid.

In summary and in conclusion, Sean Hannity says this all happened because Mick Mulvaney is real stupid, and Joe Scarborough says Mulvaney looked like he took a big doody dump in his panties right in front of the American people on the TV yesterday, and Wonkette's not about to say either of those statements is incorrect, so this post is over now.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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