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Whoopsie! Nebraska Gun Humpers Accidentally Recognize Gay Marriage

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The Nebraska legislature, in its zeal to give as many guns to as many people as fast as possible, may have inadvertently left the Cornholer State vulnerable to the oncoming onslaught that is gay marriage, thanks to a bill that grants concealed carry permits to the spouses of current military members, who as you may know can be totally homo for each other now, ew!


Nebraska law requires that an applicant for a concealed carry permit must live in the state at least 180 days to establish residency, but that requirement is suspended if the applicant is a current member of the military, because sometimes you need an extra gun on top of your government-issued gun, for Gunception we guess. Nebraska state Senator Dave Bloomfield sponsored a piece of cookie-cutter Second Amendment legislation that extends this exemption to the spouses of these US military members. It's pretty toothless inoffensive stuff as far as tea-bagging gun-fellating goes, but toothless inoffensive stuff is what always drives conservatives to collectively clutch their pearls in horror, because this legislation has the stink of gay all over it (we imagine it smells like strawberry lube and Acqua di Gio).

State Senator John Murante was the first to ring the alarm bells of the impending apocalypse that could befall Nebraska not if more people got guns, but if those gun-getting people were afflicted with The Gay. You see, State Sen. Paul Schumacher, being the cheeky rapscallion he is, added in an amendment to the bill that would set the standard for who counts as a military spouse to the federal definition, which has included gay spouses since DOMA was struck down two years ago.

Senator Murante will have none of this, and he showed his disdain by basically voting "present":

Sen. John Murante of Gretna, who did not vote for or against the bill, expressed concern that the Schumacher amendment could be used to challenge Nebraska’s ban on same-sex marriage.

“I think we just recognized gay marriage,” he said moments after the vote. “We are now using the federal government’s standard for who receives marriage benefits.”

Thank you for your courage, Senator Murante. When the sodomite onslaught comes barreling down the streets of downtown Omaha, crushing innocent bakers and florists and assorted busybodies, you can go down in history as not doing anything one way or another. Truly an American Hero®.

[Omaha.com / Image by Matthew Inman, The Oatmeal]

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