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Breaking news that literally everybody was expecting! It turns out that the Chinese and the Russians are spying on Donald Trump's stitch 'n' bitch phone calls with his BFFs. Yes, we are very shocked, just like you are, and cannot imagine how a man who is an absolute moron and who lives and dies by his access to Twitter might leave himself vulnerable to being spied on and manipulated, because he refuses to use the very nice secure phones the Secret Service gave him.

The New York Times broke the story last night, and it is chock full of funny lines that would make us for real LOL if we weren't talking about the president of the United States and national security.

The basic story is that Trump has three phones total -- two iPhones that the Secret Service has rigged up real nice, including one that is just for Twitter. Presumably they were even nice enough to make the phones fun-sized so he can hold them in his little tiny child paws. The one he actually likes to use is the other iPhone, the one the Chinese and the Russian spies are listening to, which is completely insecure.

According to the sources the New York Times talked to, the spies are listening to get good ideas about how to manipulate Trump, because he's a very stupid idiot who is easy to manipulate. They are also keeping a list of all Trump's friends, so they can use those people to try to manipulate him, business guys like Stephen Schwarzman of Blackstone and Steve Wynn. We are just sorry the spies probably have to endure hour upon hour of Trump talk about his gold-plated donkey shits and saying "NO COLLUSION" to nobody in particular.


Trump has, of course, been informed of all this. He just doesn't give a fuck, or perhaps he doesn't understand or believe our intel agencies, who are obviously working for their real Deep State boss Hillary Clinton. Why would the governments of Putin and Xi spy on him anyway, when he's exhibited a willingness to roll over and wag his tail for whatever they want anyway? (The NYT reports, hilariously, that our intel community doesn't think Russia is spying on him quite as hard as the Chinese are, because Trump is willing to take orders from Putin anyway, so why do espionage when you can just give the American president a to-do list and sit back and watch him destroy decades of Western dominance?)

Trump reportedly clings to his unsecured phone like a gun or a Bible because that's the one where he can store his contacts. Apparently there is literally no other way for the president of the United States to save the phone numbers of his close friends and family.

NYT's sources didn't leak this because they are trying to go behind Trump's back:

The officials said they were doing so not to undermine Mr. Trump, but out of frustration with what they considered the president's casual approach to electronic security.

So instead of telling the president, "HEY, THERE ARE LITERALLY SPIES LISTENING TO YOU RIGHT NOW," they are telling him in the newspaper, through Maggie Haberman. Absorb that fact for a moment if you will.

But NYT's sources say it's probably OK and the president probably isn't spilling classified intel to his friends that is then intercepted by the Chinese and the Russians, because he is too fucking stupid to listen to his intelligence briefings and therefore doesn't know any classified information:

They said they had [...] confidence he was not spilling secrets because he rarely digs into the details of the intelligence he is shown and is not well versed in the operational specifics of military or covert activities.

In other words, he's a dipshit. (Not that that stopped him that day in the Oval Office when he told the Russians all Israel's secrets!)

The dipshit has responded to this story:

LOL @ President Twitter Shits saying he doesn't "have time" to correct the NYT's fake news, as if he's not a lazy ass who doesn't go to work until around lunchtime. Feel free to parse Trump's explanation that he only uses government phones and that he simultaneously hardly ever uses government phones, and that moreover the "story is soooo wrong" if you have nothing better to do.

Last night, at Trump's low IQ Hitler rally, his congregated morons screamed "Lock her up!" like they always do, even though there were literally assassination attempts on Hillary Clinton and two former presidents yesterday. Though we all know the real reason they scream that is because they are unwashed pigs, the ostensible reason they always chant it is because Hillary Clinton used a private email server that was allegedly vulnerable to hacking by foreign actors, though there's no evidence her server was ever compromised.

Dunno why we felt the need to point that out right now, but it just seemed pertinent.

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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