Why John Boehner Is A Drunken Numbnuts Coward: A Wonksplainer

Peace out, asshole.

John Boehner is the worst kind of weak-willed pansy-ass yellow-bellied coward in modern politics. His recent decision to resign reeks not of courage, but of the lowest, basest, cowardly lack of balls since Sir Robin ran away. The bullshit headlines of him ‘sacrificing’ his job in order to get a budget deal have the foul stench of weak-kneed pseudo-journalism seeking to put lipstick on rat-faced dick-weasel. John Boehner played the media, and his cowardice could result in the GOP fucking up our country beyond recognition. Rather than leave with his head held high, John Boehner should leave DC with his fucking tail shamefully tucked between his whiskey-wobbly legs. Let’s anger-wonksplain.

John Boehner is the goddam speaker of the House. This is technically not a partisan position, and his job is to represent the entire House of Representatives, the “people’s House.” When Jesus Hussein Christ founded this country, He set up the House and Senate in different, mysteriously fucked up ways. In the Senate, the leader is the vice president. There is a majority leader, who speaks for the majority party (and basically runs the show), and a minority leader. In the House, there is also a majority leader (currently asshat extraordinaire Kevin McCarthy) and a minority leader (the Blessed Nancy Pelosi). The speaker, a position set out in the CONSTITUTION, is meant to lead the entire House. As OHJB would say, it's a BFD.

But Boehner’s actions are the furthest thing from "leadership." When he ran for speaker, he knew that the tinfoil-hat wing of his batshit crazy party were rabid shitstains bent on yelling, screaming, and basically throwing tantrums so that the ill-informed yokels who voted for them could donate $5 to keep their member in the spotlight. This was not a shock – Boehner has been ineffectively leading this self-destructive clowncar for years. He knew full well the amount of chicanery he would have to deal with before taking the job. And he knew that there were some BIG goddam hurdles ahead. He signed up for this, and rather than person-up and fucking do his job, he is throwing in the towel.

On the other side of the Capitol, Harry “Melon-Sized Balls” Reid has also decided to retire. But rather than quit when things are tough, Reid has the stones to stick around till the end of his term. You know, DO HIS JOB.

Contrast that to Boehner, who quits at the EXACT MOMENT when shit is about to hit the fan.

First off, the budget deal he brokered is nothing more than a stop-gap measure that funds the government until Dec. 11. Wow, gee-golly fellers, that’s funding the government for a WHOLE TWO MONTHS. Let’s all journo-jaculate at this marvel of legislative accomplishment!!! Fuck that. In December, we get to have the same old fucking bullshit all over again – addle-brained morons wanting to shut down the government because ladyparts justice is icky, or Obamacare, or whatever-the-fuck Dead Breitbart’s Home for the Perpetual Butthurt Brigade has its panties in a wad about. And just in time for the War on Christmas!

Add to that the fact that this country is hurtling toward the Debt Ceiling, and on Nov 5th a financial Armageddon that makes the crash of 2008 look like a market blip is gonna fuck up our economy for a goddam generation. Is the Drunk Orange Crying Machine going to raise the debt limit before he leaves? Or are we trusting Kevin McCarthy, the asslcown who can’t even keep his mouth shut about the real reasons for the Benghazi Committee to himself? Can we honestly trust THAT guy to bring up a clean bill to raise the debt limit? We all know he will hand over the keys to the Freedom Caucus and trainwreck the economy because Congress doesn’t want to pay their own bills.

We’re only getting started on the things Boehner is leaving unfinished and with no plan to move forward. What about the Ex-Im Bank? Or the Highway Trust Fund (who needs non-collapsing bridges anyway)? How about fixing No Child Left Behind?

Congress basically dicked around all year up until now, not solving much of anything. And when hard shit is finally here, and when real leadership is needed, John Boehner kisses the Pope’s ring and then gets the fuck out of dodge.

We sure as hell don’t agree with Boehner’s policy positions, because they suck monkey balls. But at least he was willing to occasionally drag his turd-brained dipshit caucus to something resembling order. At least he provided the minimal amount of leadership necessary to raise the debt ceiling last time, and he managed to limit the government shutdown to only costing us billions, not trillions. Sure, he sucked at his job, but at least he occasionally showed some leadership abilities, or at least the recognition that after fucking up the country a little bit, his Cruz-lite fuckwad caucus needed to quit being whiny-ass petulant shit-fer-brains and fund the goddam government.

But those were clearly aberrations, and not the stuff that defines Boehner. Because when the history books are written and great leaders are mentioned, Boehner’s name will be used as the antithesis of leadership. We mock Sarah Palin because she quit halfway through her term as the head of a state where like 9 people live. John Boehner is not only quitting in the middle of his job as SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, he’s quitting at the exact moment when there are major decisions that need to be made.

This is not leadership.

This is not self-sacrifice.

This is not courage.

This is fucking cowardice of the worst kind.

So long, John Boehner. Normally we give assholes like you some salted rat dicks, but you’re not worth the fucking effort.


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