Why You Probably Should Not Worry About North Korea On Top Of Everything Else Right Now

Why You Probably Should Not Worry About North Korea On Top Of Everything Else Right Now

So, Wonkiddoes, have we all forgotten about Kim Jong Un today? After #Boston, he seems kind of old hat, but some of you may be wondering if he's going to blow us all all to kingdom come on Tuesday, the second day of celebration for his Granddictators's birthday. The good news is, probably not!

Despite promises to turn Washington, D.C., and Austin, Texas(?) into a "sea of flames," Lil' Kim's threats are not quite so scary as similar ones from his dear, departed daddy and grandpa, both for technical and diplomatic reasonings, which we will proceed to Wonksplain to you. You see, while quite hippie-positive, yr. Major Major Major Major is not a hippie, but instead is a Beloved Troop/imperialist running dog of several decades' standing. (No, seriously! Not even kidding!*) And he knows how these missile things work, and about nuc'lar combat, to the extent possible through the infallible lens of U.S. security announcements.

First, the missile issue (WARNING, EXTREMELY BORING PHYSICS AND GEOGRAPHY LESSON FOLLOWS). The North (or Best) Koreans have some ballistic missiles of the type that fly through space, most of them copies of older battlefield missiles designed in China and Russia. They currently have two on their eastern coast that they've fueled, and revved up, and lowered and raised several times like an 18-year-old straight boy's penis while watching "The Crying Game." These are called "Musudan," after the famous Pokemon character, and have a range of about 3,000 kilometers (14,913 furlongs). That will ALMOST reach to Guam, with a 1,000-kilogram (157-stone) conventional warhead. We and the Japanese have a buttload of land- and sea-based missiles to try to shoot down anything that appears to be aimed at more than water.

The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (NAMBLA) also have two longer-range types of missiles in the works, neither of which has been successfully tested, and the longest-range one can theoretically JUST barely reach Alaska, with no appreciable payload aboard. Which means the Palin family is safe, AND GOOD THING, TOO. SHUT UP! We don't want Lou Sarah nuked any more than anyone else, even if, also, too. Meanwhile, our impregnable missile shield in Alaska has a 50-percent success rate in tests(!). So, with a couple dozen anti-missiles outnumbering the one, two or none missiles coming from Red Korea, there's nothing to worry about, polar bears.

Their nuclear weapons program, while Worrying, is also not exactly 1980's Soviet-style. They have tested a few Devices underground, but best guess is that these are WAY too bulky and heavy to fit on their missiles. Or maybe not!. Anyway they don't have any big bombers to haul them in like the U.S. of A. did in carrying out Robert Oppenheimer's 1945 science fair projects. Even if they DID have the ability to put a nuke on one of their missiles, it couldn't reach the good ol' US of A! (Sorry, India, China, Japan and South Korea!)

The people closest to the problem seem to believe that this is Kim's annual nuclear tantrum, not unlike Groundhog Day, where the North Korean dictator sticks his head out of his hermit kingdom and predicts whether he will receive 6 more years of UN sanctions. Even the U.S. State Department is beginning to lean toward the he's trollin' theory, and away from urging Caution and Vigilance. Unlike previous DPRK hissies, this one not merely lacks Chinese approval, it has led to Nanny McPhee-levels of scolding from Young Jong Un's rap daddy.

So, as in June of 1914, the general consensus of the media, and the economic and government elites, is that a major war is utterly unthinkable because of widespread global trade that it would disrupt. Are they wrong? How would we know? We assumed that Rumsfeld had a Phase IV plan in 2003 to transition to a post-combat Iraq. So! Sleep tight!

*Editrix's note: No seriously! Not even kidding! Major Major Major Major is in fact an honest to G_d imperial running dog, war lackey, etc. Now don't you all feel a whole lot better?


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