Vladimir can have "I voted" sticker?

Do you remember a thousand eleventy years ago, in the pre-11/9 world (must credit Doktor Zoom!), we were inundated constantly with VERY IMPORTANT Wikileaks every fucking day about how devil Hillary Clinton tried to help kids around the world and her campaign chair John Podesta made a mean-ass risotto? And do you remember how the media sucked on those email leaks like the world's most delicious nipples and, by focusing on them so obsessively, it might have helped hand the election to Spray Tan Hitler? And do you also recall how the Obama administration publicly declared that it was absolutely for certain the hacking that brought about those leaks was done by this one country called Russia, whose autocrat leader Vladimir Putin was and is the object of Donald Trump's affection? And what about that thing investigative reporter David Corn revealed, that a very reliable old spy had given the FBI intel suggesting that Russia had in fact been cultivating Trump as an asset for YEARS, do you remember that? And while we are on the subject of remembering things, do you remember how there was that weird server in Trump Tower that only communicated with Alfa Bank in Moscow?

OF COURSE you don't remember that stuff, you are an American citizen, which means tiny forgetful goldfishes look at you from their fishbowls and say "GAH WHAT A DUMB, DO YOU HAVE AMNESIA OR SOMETHING?"

Well, some people remember, and they would like us to help kick Congress's ass into DOING ITS FUCKING JOB AND INVESTIGATING THIS, especially since the freaking head of the National Security Agency (NSA), Admiral Michael S. Rogers, said unequivocally on Tuesday that Russia did it, that it did it intentionally, and that it had a specific goal in mind in fucking with America:

"This was a conscious effort by a nation-state to attempt to achieve a specific effect." He added, "This was not something that was done casually. This was not something that was done by chance. This was not a target that was selected purely arbitrarily."

Well, David Corn at Mother Jones is again on the case, and he's amplifying calls for Congress to open an investigation:

Presumably intelligence and law enforcement agencies are robustly probing the hacking of political targets attributed to Russia. But there is another inquiry that is necessary: a full-fledged congressional investigation that holds public hearings and releases its findings to the citizenry.

If the FBI, CIA, and other intelligence agencies are digging into the Russian effort to affect US politics, there is no guarantee that what they uncover will be shared with the public. Intelligence investigations often remain secret for the obvious reasons: they involve classified information.

It needs to be a congressional investigation, in public, with LOUD HEARINGS ON C-SPAN, and probably also on all the news networks and HGTV and Bravo too, about what happened, how it happened, why it happened, and whose ass is getting kicked for it. Corn puts this on the level of Watergate and 9/11, because Russia interfering with an American election is, how should we say this, A YOOOGE SCANDAL. It doesn't matter who you picked in the American election -- all that matters is you love this country and want it to be able to govern itself without Uncle Vlad sticking his dick in our affairs.

Corn lists all the different ways Russia seems to have interfered with the election -- DNC hacks, John Podesta hacks, targeted hacking of voting systems in Arizona and Illinois -- and also points out that oh by the way, Russia has fucking admitted it! Will our do-nothing Congress do something about this? Or is breaching the integrity of American democracy just not sexxxy and dick-hardening like Benghazi and Hillary's emails? If we slip a love note to House Republicans saying Hillary Clinton is a Russian robot from the future, can we get them to maybe fucking investigate Russia? We bet they have PRIVATE EMAIL SERVERS!

David Corn notes that a couple of elected officials are actually calling for it. Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham is being a fucking STATESMAN:

"Were they involved in cyberattacks that had a political component to it in our elections?" Graham said.

If so, Graham said, "Putin should be punished." [...]

Graham is one of the Senate's leading foreign policy experts and his scrutiny of Putin comes as Trump's desire for closer ties with Russia has drawn deep concern from the national security establishment.

"Here's what I would tell Republicans: We cannot sit on the sidelines as a party and let allegations against a foreign government interfering in our election process go unanswered because it may have been beneficial to our cause," Graham added.

No shit, Sherlock, and if the shoe was on the other foot, we'd hope Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi would step up just like Sen. Graham is.

Over in the House, Democratic badass congressman Elijah Cummings is calling for the same, in a letter to the dude who likes to lead hordes of yokel townspeople in chasing Hillary Clinton with pitchforks, GOP Rep. Jason Chaffetz. As Mother Jones reports, Cummings's letter states that Chaffetz said he was "open to considering such an investigation," but wanted to see the evidence, because we guess Chaffetz ain't know how to make Googles by himself. So Cummings showed him all the evidence, from the NSA director and from the government's earlier assessments. Will Rep. Chaffetz follow the lead of his GOP Senate pal Lindsey Graham and be a fucking statesman? Or do congressional Democrats need to trick him by dropping the entirety of American intelligence on Russian meddling on his desk in a file marked "HITLERY SMOKING GUN EMAILS BENGHAZI VIDEO"?

These are uncertain times, and we don't know what's coming next, but we do know that when the history books are written, they will note who actually stood up for American integrity and sovereignty and who did not. In that spirit, the phone number for Rep. Chaffetz's Utah office is (801) 851-2500 and his DC number is (202) 225-7751. Any other congresspeople who might actually represent you in your district have phone numbers as well.

You know what to do.

[Mother Jones / L.A. Times / Mother Jones again]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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