Trump Ready To Murder The Planet For Healthier, Shinier, Bouncier Hair
The Trump administration is looking to ease environmental rules on shower heads — not because they are unnecessary, but because Donald Trump thinks that a lack of water pressure is what is making his "beautiful" hair look bad.
Trump has been whining about showers, sinks, dishwashers and toilets for at least a few years now — he's claimed that if you buy a new faucet, no water comes out, that no water comes out when you take a shower, that you have to flush a toilet four or five times to get it to work, that dishwashers don't work, and that this is all because of evil regulations meant to preserve water use for everyone. In January, Trump made promises to get rid of these restrictions to a crowd in Milwaukee.
"You go into a shower, and I have this beautiful head of hair, I need a lot of water. I need water. You go into the shower, right? You turn on the water, drip, drip, drip. I called the guy, 'Something wrong with this?' 'No, sir. It's just the restrictor,'" he said. "So you're in there five times longer than you're supposed to be. You use probably more water and it's a very unpleasant experience, right? So we're getting rid of the restrictors. You're going to have full shower flow. Full sink."
And in December, he promised another crowd (also in Milwaukee) that they would no longer have to run their dishwashers 10, 15 times.
"I'm also approving new dishwashers that give you more water so you can actually wash and rinse your dishes without having to do it 10 times or five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10. Anybody have a new dishwasher? I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for that. It's worthless. They give you so little water. Do you ever see it? Air comes out? So little water," he said at the December rally in Milwaukee.
At a meeting with business leaders also in December, Trump claimed that people were flushing toilets 10-15 times, because of regulations.
"We have a situation where we're looking very strongly at sinks and showers and other elements of bathrooms where you turn the faucet on — and in areas where there's tremendous amounts of water, where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it, and you don't get any water," the President said during a roundtable with small business leaders about deregulatory actions.
"You turn on the faucet and you don't get any water. They take a shower and water comes dripping out. Just dripping out, very quietly dripping out," the President continued, lowering his voice as he spoke about the drips. "People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once."
Alas, it's gotten nowhere, likely because outside of California and Hawaii, where they have droughts, these are not actual problems for anyone and no one has ever even heard of running a dishwasher more than once. Oh, also because there's been a pandemic and thus concern for Donald Trump's hair has been at an all-time low. For most of us, anyway.
But now, his administration is looking at attempting to ease the restrictions on shower heads that have been in place since 1992, which make it so a shower head can only push out 2.5 gallons of water a minute. What they want to do is make it so "each nozzle" can push out 2.5 gallons of water a minute, which is a pretty absurd amount of water depending on the amount of nozzles one has.
Andrew deLaski, executive director of the energy conservation group Appliance Standards Awareness Project, said the proposal was "silly".
With four or five or more nozzles, "you could have 10, 15 gallons per minute powering out of the showerhead, literally probably washing you out of the bathroom," he told the Associated Press news agency.
"If the president needs help finding a good shower, we can point him to some great consumer websites that help you identify a good showerhead that provides a dense soak and a good shower," he added.
David Friedman, vice president of advocacy at the organisation Consumer Reports, said showerheads in the US already "achieve high levels of customer satisfaction", while saving people money.
The proposal could face court battles if it advances, Reuters news agency reports.
No one needs that amount of water pressure. A lack of water pressure is not the problem with Trump's hair.
Now, I'm not saying it's not important. I once had a slumlord who screwed with my water pressure on my shower so that he got better water pressure in his apartment (it was a whole thing) and my hair looked bad and I was miserable all of the time (also because he wouldn't turn my heat on either). But the normal amount of water pressure one gets from a normal showerhead in the United States of America is totally, totally fine.
I am something of an expert in these matters! My hair weighs approximately 12,000 pounds. Here is a picture, but I assure you, it is almost impossible to capture the entire Cousin Itt In Lockdown situation that is happening here on my camera phone. It's actually kind of flat right now because I've had it up since yesterday.
I can rinse my hair! And I have so, so much hair! Way, way more hair than Donald Trump has. If I can rinse my hair, I think it is fair to say that Trump's hair problem is not that he can't rinse it. In fact, I can tell by looking at him that he has high porosity hair (so do I! Both curly/wavy hair and grey hair are high porosity hair types), which means that he actually shouldn't rinse it too much, because it will not retain moisture as much as low porosity hair. Duh. He doesn't need to fuck up the entire environment, he needs a deep conditioning treatment. So do I, obviously, but I'm not out here trying to murder the planet because I had a bad hair day.
Wasting water is bad for the environment, yes, but it is also bad for us. If we use an absurd amount of water in our homes, we won't have enough fresh water for farming, which could lead to food scarcity. Then we will starve. I don't know about you, but I'm not willing to starve or to pay $20 for a head of lettuce because Donald Trump is sad about how his hair looks. He can buy a wig, but we cannot eat a wig.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse