Wingnut Kevin Swanson Warns About Girl Scout Lesbians, Because He Is A Weirdo
If you read Wonk on the regular, you will recognize Kevin Swanson as the wingnut homeschool advocate Dok did a nice series of book reports on in his always lovely feature Sundays With The Christianists. Swanson is also pretty sure that the Disney feature film "Frozen" will turn your child into a gay witch. Know what else will turn your daughter into a gay witch, or at least a lesbian something or other? Thin mints and samoas, and all the other various Girl Scout cookies, your precious is going to be on an express train to Muff Town if you let her be a Girl Scout. Yes, this long, stupid segment, which echoes many of Kevin's earlier segments, is predicated on "the Girl Scout issue":
"I would say ninety-five percent of parents who care about their little girls do not want them being lesbians at twenty-four years of age."
What about the other five percent, Kevin? Because in our family, we have a toddler girl, and her devoted heterosexual parents are pretty sure they don't care who she loves, as long as she grows up to be a healthy, happy human being, and she doesn't vote Republican. That's how normal people are, KEVIN. Also, Kevin Swanson says that there is a "six percent" out there who are okay with it, so don't want their daughters to "fulfill God's role" for them as ladies, so he clearly does not Math Good.
Go on, though, how is the Girl Scout Cookie Factory churning out Indigo Girls-In-Training, besides the fact that each different cookie type represents one of the Pillars of Lesbianism?
"It’s one reason why I have a hard time understanding why they send their kids, their little six-, seven-, eight- and nine-year-old kids to schools with the GLSEN-sponsored signs plastered all over the facilities.”
“I would love to ask these parents: Is it your objective that your kids be well indoctrinated in lesbianism and homosexuality such that they will become the future lesbians of America?"
Future Lesbians Of America was one of the most popular clubs in my high school, fuckin' better than Young Life, that's for sure, not gonna learn to change a tire while you're singing "Humble Thyself In The Sight Of The Lord."
So at this point in the clip, as you might be able to tell from that quote, Kevin is veering wildly off of the Girl Scout Issue, choosing to instead go on a rambling rant about GLSEN-sponsored signs, and how they are everywhere, a kid can't even play in the snow these days without digging up a GLSEN-sponsored sign and transforming into a lesbian right there on the spot. GLSEN, by the way, is the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, and they help out in teaching schoolkids not to hate the LGBTs. He then name checks one of the religious right's most feared gay demons, Kevin Jennings, who ran GLSEN a long time ago, and who used to work for the Obama administration, so clearly he is a gay Muslim Indonesian commie, where is his long-form birth certificate, HUH? Full disclosure, Kevin Jennings is a Facebook friend of your Wonkette, which means we see each others' cat pictures and each know what the other is listening to on Spotify. So, corrupting your kids at this point: Girl Scouts, GLSEN, Kevin Jennings. Got it.
Kevin (the Swanson one, too may Kevins in this story) also says that if you lead your young girls astray by letting them be in the Girl Scouts, or letting them play with GLSEN posters, Jesus will go off and kill you dead by tying a millstone around your neck and drowning you, or something, it was one of Christ's pissier moments.
So there you go, Kevin (still the Swanson one) says 95% of American parents are too stupid to know that Girl Scout cookies are a gateway drug to Home Depot rewards cards, thanks, all the various Wonkettes will keep this information in mind when (REBECCA) and if we become parents someday in the future.