Wingnuts Wish Donald Trump A Happy New War
Looks like the US has gone and started another Middle East war, or at least done its damnedest to try, with the assassination of Qassem Soleimani in Baghdad yesterday. Not surprisingly, the usual rightwing suspects are hailing Donald Trump as the Brilliant Tough Guy who took Brilliant Tough action, and any quibbles about the legality or wisdom of a targeted assassination, without consulting Congress, is moot. After all, America won, Iran lost, and that's all there is to it. We sure showed them!
Let's take a look at some of the very smartest takes!
Remember how Barack Obama went on TV, briefly announced that US special forces had killed Osama bin Laden, and thanked The Troops? Nothing that detailed from Donald Trump. Instead, he tweeted a blurry American flag image, which is how you know he's the best.
Trump also tweeted this puzzling comment about how Iran never won a war (like, if you leave out its propping up Assad in Syria), but it always snookered stupid Americans (and the rest of the world) in diplomacy.
For that to make any sense, you have to believe the current war footing we're on is a huge improvement over Iran's having shut down its nuclear program under the 2015 international nuclear deal.
Trump then clarified: Soleimani had to be assassinated because he killed millions of people, and besides, nobody in Iran really cares, outside the government, which nobody in Iran supports either.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo tweeted last night that Iraqis were "dancing in the streets" over the assassination, which sort of glosses over the actual Iraqi government's condemnation of the attack as an "act of aggression against Iraq" and a violation of "the conditions governing the presence of US forces in Iraq."
But some Iranian Sunnis were celebrating the death of a general from Iraq's old Shiite enemy, so clearly, this was all a nice favor to Iraq.
We also heard from from the usual array of War Heads from 2003. John Bolton had trouble tweeting his praise for the great victory because his boner kept bumping into his phone. Surely the people of Iran will now overthrow their corrupt leaders!
You know, just as people always do when their country is attacked. Remember how Americans dumped FDR after Pearl Harbor, and the Germans overthrew Hitler after D-Day, and the North Vietnamese got rid of the communists when America showed we were serious?
George W. Bush's press secretary, Ari Fleischer, sang a medley of Dick Cheney's greatest hit, "My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators."
For you comics nerds, we found this very relevant take on Fleischer's Baghdad Bob routine:
[dr manhattan voice] It is 2003. I am listening to Ari Fleischer explain that the Middle Eastern country we're going to war with will greet us as liberators.
It is 2020. I am listening to Ari Fleischer...etc, etc
Pompeo also covered that top melody, saying the administration is counting on Iranians throwing flowers at our feet, at least metaphorically.
And then there are the very smart Republicans who ran against Trump and warned he was dangerously stupid. Marco Rubio sees no potential downside, and is astonished any Democrats might think this was a bad move, do they LOVE IRAN and TERRORISTS?
Thank goodness Donald Trump has the situation in his large, bigger than average hands.
Ted Cruz had a similar take, because of course he did.
As the son of JFK's real killer, Ted Cruz knows sometimes you need to take action when you get the chance.
Lindsey Graham thought the extrajudicial killing was exactly as bonerific as you'd expect, and if this leads to a war, won't that be GREAT? He just couldn't stop his excited ejaculations of praise for Donald Trump's wise, measured response to aggression.
Then there was Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-Trump's lap), who corrected John Bolton, insisting Donald Trump is NOT a warmonkey, and this is simply a one-off defensive action that will have no wider repercussions.
Gaetz made pretty much the same point to Democrat Ilhan Omar: This only looks like an act of war, but it isn't an act of war, silly. But isn't Trump admirably manly and tough?
Then there's the GOP C-Team, with a whole lot of wingnuts similarly praising the act of war and explaining it couldn't possibly lead to war:
Media Matters reporter Eric Hananoki had some fun digging up War Thoughts from the great strategic experts Diamond and Silk, who love war when they don't hate war.
Tucker Carlson is not yet on board with war against Iran; we're sure he'll see the light eventually. But for now, Carlson worries it's all a plot by ... well, GUESS WHO? The same people who are conspiring to replace white Americans with foreign invaders, don't you know?
Gosh, if only we could figure out who he means? (He means THE JEWS.)
Fortunately, at least one wingnut commentator is ready to sign up to go fight in Iran. Very serious sex hoaxer Jacob Wohl made a solemn vow to the Daily Beast's Will Sommer that if it's war, he's all in!
"If we go to war with Iran, I will enlist within 10 days," Wohl said in an Instagram direct message.
Wohl says he'll consider the United States at war with Iran if Congress authorizes the war or Trump uses a previous military authorization to attack. As for what branch he'll join, Wohl says "probably the Army."
Don't you feel safer, America? Mind you, Wohl has a bit of a credibility problem, what with his completely fabricated scandals involving Robert Mueller, Pete Buttigieg, and Elizabeth Warren, but that's no reason to think he won't follow through. Even if he doesn't actually join the Army, we're certain he'll do something to bring down Iran. Like maybe holding a presser in collaborator Jack Burkman's driveway to claim Ayatollah Ali Khamenei had a torrid, drug-fueled sex affair with Nancy Pelosi.
Remember, the wars of tomorrow will not be won on the battlefield. They'll be won in hipster coffee shops.
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.