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Wingnuts Worried Their Anusburgers Sacrificed To Wrong 'Demon-God'

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Watch out, American Jesus fans! According to a couple of wingnuts somewhere, the poop-snausage pizza you're eating from the Papa John's might've beensacrificed to the wrong Demon-God! W-w-whut? It's apparently true! Jews and Muslims, besides both being Semitic people of the Hebraic traditions, also like to have their factory-farmed animals killed in the industrial slaughterhouse by undocumented Mexicans in special ways. It makes it taste better, we guess? But did you know there is a scary problem for American Jesus Christians when meat is "lawful" for the various foreign religions? Some random anti-Muslim evangelical and a noted crazy person on the Internet are both concerned about this problem! For example, the Costco is doing "backdoor Sharia" by, uh, selling slaughtered animals that have been blessed by the Ayatollah or something? Not Costco, jesus christ!


From, obviously, World Net Daily:

When you bite into a delicious pizza, succulent sandwich or luscious lamb chops, are you possibly eating food that has been sacrificed to idols?

An outspoken American pastor says yes, and he's sounding the alarm for Christians to be aware of the Islamic influence he calls "backdoor Shariah" now nibbling its way across the fruited plain.

See, we didn't even make up "backdoor Shariah." We didn't need to.

It's not just the Costco 200-packs of Halal Lamb Tacos that have the wingnuts up in arms. They can't even go get their usual five or six "footlongs" from the Subway franchise these days, without maybe eating secret Muslim meat! Writes "award-winning journalist" Joe Kovacs at the WND website: "Connecticut-based Subway, which has more than 23,000 sandwich shops in the U.S. and nearly 34,000 worldwide, is proud to be offering halal food in communities where there's a demand for it."

Demand for it, eh? We've got two decade-old holes in the ground in the community of Manhattan that demand vengeance against these idolators' cold cuts, that's what!

The real problem, according to ridiculous ass-clown bigot Bryan Fischer, is that when you say the Jewish/Christian god's name in the wrong Semitic language, that god instantly turns into a Hell Monster. This is probably in a recent rewrite of the Bible, or a Chick Tract!

In England, which is already an Islamic Republic, every type of anusburger or "bangers 'n mash" are already worshiping the wrong make-believe deity:

Even fast-food joints like Domino’s Pizza, Pizza Hut, KFC, and Subway are using halal meat, but they aren’t telling their customers about it either. Domino’s, for instance, has been serving halal chicken for 10 years in 580 outlets across the fruited U.K. plan. Folks in hospitals, schools, and pubs across the U.K. have been eating food that has first been blessed in the name of the demon-God Allah but know nothing about it.

The demon-God Allah sounds so much more awesome than the faggedy-ass war-losing American demon-God, that's for sure! We'll have our chicken-butt nuggets Halal style ... for winners! [World Nut Daily]

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Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:

Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.

But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!

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Do we really have to write two posts in a row that feature Oleg Deripaska, whose face is really weird looking and stupid and we hate looking at it? Yes. Apparently we do.

OK, so we were just talking about how Deripaska is getting a sweet free handjob from Steven Mnuchin's Treasury Department with the deal to lift sanctions off his companies. We also know that Deripaska is Paul Manafort's former boss, to whom Manafort was in serious debt, and to whom Manafort weirdly offered secret briefings on the Trump camapign, as a way to "get whole." (We still don't know what exactly that means, or how involved Deripaska was in the Russian conspiracy to ratfuck the election and install Trump in office, but we bet Robert Mueller does.)

But another wang of the Deripaska story we've learned over the past couple of years involves a woman named Anastasia Vashukevich, AKA Nastya Rybka, an escort who traveled with Deripaska on his yacht, and who once claimed to have recordings of Deripaska on his yacht discussing the plan to skullfuck America's democratic presidential election, presumably because Russians never really have understood how democracy is supposed to work, and also because they wanted to steal the American presidency to use it for their own benefit.

Don't know if you've been following the latest news -- that Rybka was suddenly released from the Thai prison where she had been bizarrely detained, that she was assured she would be able to safely go home to Belarus, and that she was immediately arrested while changing planes in Russia -- but she's free now. Or, you know, "free."

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