These guys'll do it.Bigot folk, have the fruits and nuts been demanding that you hand over your plaid slipcovered couch, for them to pork on? Well you have a hero in Wonkette favorite Gordon Klingenschmitt, who used his "Pray In Jesus Name" program on the infernal radio machine toCOME TO YOUR RESCUE!

First, how is Satan buttfucking in your good Christian home today?

"There are also evil spirits influencing them to come after the church and we've got to stand up, not necessarily against the humans, we've got to stand up against Satan, who is inside of them."

Satan is IN THEIR BUTTS. But that seems better than when Satan was inside animals, and that is why animals are gay, which is also a thing Gordon Klingenschmitt said. Oh, did I forget to mention Gordon Klingenschmitt is an elected representative for the state of Colorado? Good job guys!

But back to now, with the gays doing sex in each other's bottoms, right there on your crocheted doily:

"There is a spirit of persecution that is coming out of this homosexual movement," Klingenschmitt said, "and it's not enough that they get weddings in their own private churches, they want to come to your church, they want to come to your business, they might even come to your home — if you are a bed and breakfast owner, they'll come right into your home and demand to have sex in your guest bedroom and there's nothing you can do, they say, to deny them service because they have a right to violate your freedom."

Wait, this whole thing was about gay people fucking IN THE BEDROOM THEY RENTED BECAUSE YOU HAVE A B&B? Don't want people fucking on your grandma's quilt, DON'T HAVE A BED AND BREAKFAST, IDJITS. People fuck in B&B's! It is what they do! They usually try to do it quietly, because they are freaked out that your cats might hear. And they usually try to do it without much of a mess, because you have really nice sheets. So if Klingenschmitt's point was "THEY WILL PLAY REALLY LOUD RAVE MUSIC while fucking in your guest room," then yeah, that would be rude and you should ask them to munch box or do things with their dicks more quietly like.

But if you don't want gay people fucking in your "guest room," DON'T RENT OUT YOUR FUCKING GUEST ROOM. Don't rent it to gay guys. Don't rent it to interracial couples. Don't rent it to whites or Asians or blacks or Spanishes. Don't rent it to lesbians, unless you have a couple projects around the house you needed some help with.

It's not your guest room. It's your business. Now go bake some goddamn muffins, the gays are hungry from all that sex in your lovely (but drafty? maybe a bit fussy?) Victorian home. Lie back and think of your Yelp reviews.


Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

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