bad hombre dan coats debate 3 Donald Trump Dustin Moskovitz evan bayh federal workers gordon klingenschmitt hiring freeze immigration indiana senate race Jimmy Buffet john oliver Medical Marijuna paul manafort pt News Brief robots Scion snl solar panels todd young trump hotels twitter bots unicorn
Wonkagenda: Monday, October 24, 2016
- Here's an exhaustive list of the almost 300 people, places and things Donald Trump has insulted on Twitter since deciding to run for president last June. NOTE: In the print edition it's a full double-page spread!
- Trump wants to put a hiring freeze on federal workers because they're corrupt liars, and it (might) save money, which sounds dandy except the federal workforce has gained only 10 percent since the 1960's, while private sector job growth has risen by 136 percent. Those numbers are probably just filthy lies because they come from a government which is full of liars, just like all the ladies Trump never sexually assaulted!
- Looks like Democrats have finally found their unicorn in the quiet co-founder of Facebook, Dustin Moskovitz, who suddenly cut checks worth double-digit millions of Amero's.
- Trump Hotels is sick of Donald Trump ruining their business, so they're rebranding as "Scion" in an effort to de-Trumpify all the hotels with his name bolted to the front of buildings in YOOGE gold letters.
- Evan Bayh is having a no-good, double-plus bad time trying to get back into politics because Republicans are dumping piles of cash into the Indiana Senate race for the seat of retiring Senator Dan Coats. Despite their burning $20 million in cash for negative ads, Bayh is still polling ahead of his opponent, which you already knew after you read our Indiana edition of Senate Sunday!
- Jimmy Buffet is telling all the Florida men and women how to vote. He thinks they should smoke lots of (MEDICAL) marija-wanas and tell the power company to piss off because they seem to want to screw people in Florida who sell the excess energy collected by their own solar panels. Smells like trouble in Margaritaville!
- Hillary Clinton is calling for federal regulators to lick their pencils and break out the pocket protectors while scrutinizing the merger of AT&T and Time-Warner.
- Donald Trump wants to "break up" the super secret LIBERAL media conglomerates that are all totally out to make sure Donald Trump loses the election. A-YUP!
- Those politically active and socially maladjusted Twitter accounts belonging to shut-in Trumpkins might actually be the robots that the rest of us walking and talking meat-sacks always thought they were. Fascinating!
- The Pentagon is making almost 10,000 soldiers in the California National Guard give back at least $15,000 in bonuses because Guard recruiters fraudulently promised all the cash during the height Iraq war recruitment drives. This story is just full of losers because the soldiers don't have the money they never knew they weren't supposed take 10 years ago, the Pentagon can't ignore the missing money, and the California Guard admits the whole situation is "distasteful." [Archive]
- According to Colorado State Rep. and Jesus-jammer, Gordon Klingenschmitt, Hillary Clinton's death squads may have ALLEGEDLY killed Justice Antonin Scalia, and those Clinton murder militias MIGHT, possibly, perhaps, potentially be targeting Klingenschmitt for forced retirement.
- Here's Donald Trump saying in 2012 that he didn't want to deport undocumented immigrants who had done "a great job." These must not be the bad hombres running the vast liberal media conspiracy to trick the illegals into voting for that nasty woman.
- Former Trump aides, including Trump's former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, had "unusual" business ties with Russia in providing eyeball scanners for Russian subway systems to so that the Russian government could ID people on government watch lists, which is essentially spying on civilian populations.
- Watch John Oliver wager his Emmy that Donald Trump will lose the election so that Donald Trump will "win" an Emmy, feel less like a loser, and rightly bugger off after YOU ALL VOTE ON NOVEMBER 8, 2016.
- And here's your morning Nice Time! It's SNL's take on the final presidential debate! Watch Tom Hanks nail Chris Wallace's hand holding of Alec Baldwin's Trump and giggle snort with us!