Wonkagenda: Monday, September 19, 2016

Morning, Wonkers! That nagging feeling that is festering and driving gooseflesh up the back of your neck isn't the leering stares of your boss penetrating the walls, it's Peggy Noonan. Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette may turn into dick jokes!

•  NYC bombings are casting dark clouds and stormy seas over Talk Like A Pirate Day festivities. Donald Trump is of course taking credit journalisming. 

•  Diplomats from Not America are kind of pissed that Donald Trump won't stop talking trash like a pro-wrestler getting ready for a fight, and some of them are getting a bit snippy.

•  Congress Critters have got some serious stuff to do before heading for the hills to campaign, or whatever the hell it is they do when they're pretending to work in Washington.

• People are looking at President Obama to lead the world in helping refugees because that's exactly what a bleeding heart liberal would do.

• Hey everyone, remember:  Mike Pence is kind of a shitheel even when he's not giving everyone a handy under the table every time Trump says something stupid.

• Donald Trump probably doesn't talk about welfare queens too much because he's taken ONLY $885 million in federal tax breaks. 

•  Russia thinks that you should stop masturbating and get a "real life."

• Glenn Beck thinks that your kids will build statues of the flaming shit bags he calls his fans.

• Republicans were in rare form on Sunday teevee shows. The desert trash monster known as Jan Brewer blamed Democrats for birtherism, cry baby RNC Chair Reince Priebus suggested not endorsing Trump was a punishable offense, and Trumpfluffer Alex Castellanos brought back "otherness" to describe Obama.

• Donald Trump may have poured gasoline and fan the flames of the "birther" movement, but it was Illinois Rep. Andy Harris who started the fire. 

•  The L.A. Times wants to legalize are the marijuanas for happy funtimes because why the hell not?

• The FAA is about to become the interplanetary space police and janitor for the human race.

• And here's your morning Nice Time: It's JEB! 

  WATCH: "JEB EXCLAMATION POINT!"
  
  Jeb Bush, now driving around Selina Meyer. #Emmys  @JimmyKimmel   https: //t.co/vWxFC9qbXu 

  — Good Morning America (@GMA) September 19, 2016