Wonkagenda: September 15, 2016

Morning, Wonketariate! It's Thursday, also known as "Academic's Friday." Here's some of the stories yr Wonkette may be talking about today!

•  Donald Trump told a fake teevee doctor about his fake physical from his fake doctor. The big reveal: he's fat, old, and his only exercise is shouting and flailing his arms.

• Donald Trump went to Flint, Michigan and was told to stop talking about politics by the pastor, so of course Trump's now talking shit about her behind her back.

• An investigation has SHOCKINGLY found that Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is a bad man who has taken truckloads of money from corporations who pushed him to make bogus claims of voter fraud on talk radio. The only surprise is that someone thought they needed to pay him.

• President of the European Parliament Martin Schulz finds Donald Trump "obviously irresponsible" because of Trump's belief that nerds are all dummies. Harrumph!

• For better or worse, Internal Revenue Service Commissioner John Koskinen will testify before the House Judiciary Committee instead of being impeached.

•  Republicans like Kelly Ayotte really don't want to talk about Donald Trump and they would very much appreciate if you'd stop asking them about their party's nominee.

•  Ivanka Trump really doesn't like talking about her daddy's issues with women, so she bailed on an interview with a fashion magazine.

•  A crazy anti-abortion activist is supporting Donald Trump. Are you surprised?

• Trump's FIRED campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, seems to be quietly managing Trump's campaign. 

• Looks like the New York Post screwed up the dates of its Melania Trump naked fun-time photos, which means she might not have been an illegal alien taking American threesome-model jobs after all. Good thing the Post is already owned by Rupert Murdoch.

• Instead of underage children or your long lost Nigerian relative, Russian hackers are ALLEGEDLY impersonating Democratic state party officials. 

• In upstate New York, a dead man won a Republican primary. 

•  Some rag in New Hampshire is climbing into Gary Johnson's Sedan of Sadness and taking a trip down the bumpy, unpaved road to failure instead of urging readers to vote for Donald Trump or the ghost of Richard Nixon. And Hillary Clinton is smiling quietly to herself.

• The Georgia Secretary of State is being sued for keeping black people from voting. I dare say, we wouldn't want THOSE PEOPLE voting, would we?

•  Gun fetishists now have their own dating site where they can have have sexy times with themselves, their guns, and the Second Amendment! Ain't love grand?

• And here's your morning Nice Time. It's giraffes turning up the cuteness level to 11!