Wonkette Begs Deep State To Add Dick Jokes To Daily Leaks To Give Exhausted Bloggers A Motherfucking Break
Left: Worst president ever. Right: Deep State
Dear Deep State, which definitely totally exists and is our hero right now for doing things on the daily to screw Donald J. Trump out of his presidency, which he didn't really "earn" by himself because he's a loser:
We get it. You are at WAR with Trump now, because he has pissed on the intelligence community and the independence of the FBI repeatedly, and now he's screwing with our allies' intelligence agencies too. You are MAD. You have decided, ever since Trump petulantly fired James Comey like a goddamn baby, that you are going to protect American freedom and democracy by doing your patriotic best to get that stupid fucker out of the Oval Office.
We get it, and WE SUPPORT YOU. You are the real America, and also you have sexxxy abs.
But we have a little favor to ask. Would it be possible for you to once in a while include dick jokes with your explosive leaks, and just email them directly to Wonkette, because we are fucking exhausted? We know you can't do this EVERY TIME, because we know stories are coming out on the daily now, and soon the 24-hour news cycle will be like the last ten minutes of a fireworks show, when it gets really loud and pretty and all the dogs are howling, and at the end hopefully Trump will be resigning in shame and seeking asylum somewhere warm like between Vladimir Putin's inner thighs, at least if our prayers are answered. We GET IT.
But for real, could you occasionally just send your stories to us, Mad Libs-styley, with some pre-planned dirty jokes, so we don't have to stay after work for five extra hours ALL THE DAYS? Like, for instance, next time an EXPLOSIVE STORY comes out about how Trump tried to pressure Comey to shut down his Russia-Trump investigation, you could send us an email that says, "The Deep State recommends that your creative name for the president in this BREAKING NEWS post should be Sad Orange Inner Tube Full Of Laughably Minuscule Gargoyle Dicks Donald Trump. Also the words 'Wombat Jizz' are always pretty LOL."
Now look, Deep State. If you're worried you don't have the humor chops to do this, remember that you are the DEEP FUCKING STATE, which means you should SURELY have at least a couple regular Hilarious Henriettas on staff who can help. Additionally, let us encourage you by reminding you that no matter what you come up with, you will ALWAYS be funnier than Maureen Dowd.
In exchange, we are probably willing to give you free handjobs once in a while, like if you're cute or whatever, but not until after we get a nap.
Thank you for your continued service to our great nation, land of the free, home of the brave. Together we can Dick Jokes FOR FREEDOM.
A Tired And Grateful Wonkette
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Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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