Wonkette Buys Human Again, A Queer Gay Homosexual One For A Change

 
 With now FIVE FULL-TIME STAFFERS, your Wonkette is ... we're not sure, but we think half as big as Twitchy now? So if you need a dumb, unclever, rightwing take on stupid tweets telling libtards SNAP and THEY ARE BURNT, we could do that halfway for you!

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But who is our lucky hiree this time? Well, our first one, of course, was the goodly Doktor Zoom, whom you bought for us with your hard-earned SNAP benefits on your EBT cards as swiped through your Obamaphones. Then we hired Snipy but she was all SEE YA WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA (visit her at BitterEmpire.com! ), and we had la Benincasa for a minute too then she was all WHOOPS TWO BOOK DEALS BYYYYYE, so neither of those ladies counts, and they can fuck right off because of how they are sex-positive and do not take "fuck right off" as an insult but as the well wishes it is meant to be.

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Right. Then Kaili was all HI, HOW ABOUT I DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU, and so we stole her from Daily Kos. And she's been awesome and does our job real good like!

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Then we hired Shypixel to fix all our shitty ads and broken browsers and BROKEN HEART AND BROKEN WOMB, which he did. With his penis. 

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So that's four, counting me, whom you should count, because even though you do not see my byline ever because I am seven months pregnant and all out of "words" and "jokes" and "thoughts about stuff and things," I AM STILL WORKING ALL THE TIME DON'T THINK I AM NOT. Like, I totally rewrite some of Dok's shit, and all of the headlines, which are hilarious because of ME, and also I do the business stuff, like sending you your Professorski Elizabeth Warrenovna Hotsky-To-Trotsky tee shirts ( BUY SOME NOW! ), and NO I HAVEN'T TURNED WONKETTE INTO AN ATM, THAT HURT MY FEELINGS, SHITTY MEAN PERSON WHO WROTE ME THAT NOTE. Fuckin' A, every time I start bringing home a living wage, I feel bad and hire two people instead. Mama didn't raise no rentiers! Which brings me to ...

O HAI EVAN HURST!

We brought Evan on as a part-time social media person because fuck it, I guess we have to have one of those, and at the same time we made him write for us for free, and of course he is so good at the jokes and the writing and the knowing stuff about things, but he is ALSO very good at spreading the Gospel of Wonkette to the places, with the tweeting and the Facebooking and the Tumblring and the I don't know ... Digging? That is a thing that he should do, and now he will have time to do it because we own his ass! Mmmmmm, ass.

We stole Evan from TruthWinsOut, which you should visit, they are nice good people and probably very sad now that we stole their man. [ I still talk to the Truth Wins Out like all the time. They are free to rent me in my off hours anytime they want, as long as they ask Rebecca if s'okay! - Evan]

If you are keeping track for your Diversity Agenda, that makes one straight cis white man (whom we stopped paying as soon as he gave up the D); two Jewish women; a white gay cis gay queer homosexual male; and a white cis het Doktor of Rhetoric from the backwoods of Idaho, but he is almost a senior citizen, so maybe that counts for something hahaha of course it doesn't.

YOU WANT MOAR DIVERSITY? Evan is also our first Southern Wonkette, because that was a thing that needed to happen, typing his mean words from Memphis. He watches a lot of basketball, and has a dog but no husband, LINE FUCKING STARTS HERE. Contrary to his constant, obsessive reporting on Aaron Schock, and the fact that he openly hits on him in some of those posts, Evan is not actually interested in Schock, sadface. That HuffPo Live reporter, though... 

In summary and in conclusion, please send money. Thank you for reading Wonkette. We love you. You help us keep Evan in whore diamonds and corn liquor and (we assume) poppers and meth.