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If he is our boss, do we get to call him "Daddy"?


OK everybody, DON'T TELL REBECCA, but we just got a big job opportunity on Twitter, and it is to work for the award-winning, hard-hitting, Pulitzer-worthy team of "elites" at InfoWars.

Oh, to kneel before the excellence of a shirtless Alex Jones, snorting trucker speed off his glorious toenails, to redeem ourselves for our past work for a known "fake news" organization! Indeed, it was none other than Alex Jones who used his nose for real news to list Wonkette as a purveyor of fake news. We have been leaking salty guiltiness from our pores ever since.

:(

Please, Alex, do not throw this application in the wastebasket with the meat drippings from your latest Texas BBQ feast just because we are yr Wonkette! We didn't mean to write all those mean lies about you, honest! WE WERE FORCED.

Perusing the available positions at InfoWars, we believe we are most qualified for either "On-Camera Reporter" or "Freelance Journalist," as the other positions seem to involve operating video editing software, which is admittedly not our favorite.

For "On-Camera Reporter," we submit the following as an example of how we are sexxxier than Roger Stone, who has been assassinated multiple times lately. If Dead Roger Stone is hot enough to appear on InfoWars, Wonkette will break the screen with our REAL LIVE HOTNESS:

Now look, we recently got Rachel Maddow glasses because either the Illuminati or routine aging (but probably the Illuminati) stoled our 20/20 vision, but we are willing to consider contacts.

For "freelance journalist," Jones asks for the following:

The ideal candidate will be well-versed in libertarian and constitutional principles, know how to write hard-hitting headlines and cover what’s trending in the news in a very timely manner.

We know that shit. We make fun of PRETEND TO MAKE FUN OF LIBERTARIANS TO APPEASE OUR BOSS all the time! It is part of our required labor at Wonkette Fake News Emporium!

We require original content with excellent spelling and grammar.

News junkies who read the Drudge Report every day are encouraged to apply. If interested, please send two writing samples that showcase your writing ability.

ON IT. First of all, we are a spelling bee champion, and despite the Wonkette tics we insert in our work here, our grammar abilities are TREMENDOUS. Jones also requests candidates who are good at writing headlines, to which we reply, "OH HELLO HAVE WE MET?"

As for two writing samples, we can do better than that! Here are several STRAIGHT NEWS STORIES we have written about Alex Jones and InfoWars, none of which contain any sarcasm or mockery:

Alex Jones Knows ‘Deep State’ Roofies Trump’s Diet Cokes, But SHHHH THEY’LL MURDER HIM IF YOU TELL

(A story in which we affirm Alex Jones's true reporting about how the Deep State is, indeed, giving Donald Trump roofies, and express our shock and sadness that Jones's life is in grave danger.)

Alex Jones Gets PIIIIIIISSED When You Call His New Wife A Massage Hooker

(WELL WOULDN'T YOU?)

Alex Jones Is CUSSIN’ MAD At Rep. Adam Schiff And His Cocksucking Eyes!

(Alex Jones revealed that Rep. Adam Schiff's eyes were big gays who suck cocks, and we wrote about it because we agreed with him TOO MUCH.)

A Titillating Story About Alex Jones’s Nipples Soaking In Authentic Texas BBQ

(For real we got hard when we wrote about that. Allow us to experience this up close, Alex Jones!)

Obama Really IS Creating Army Of Beyoncés, Alex Jones WAS RIGHT!

(Only Wonkette connected the dots between Beyoncé's twin pregnancy and Jones's TRUE FACT KNOWLEDGE that Barack Obama was creating a full army of Beyoncés in order to make himself dictator for life. Did RawStory do that? Pfffffft. Throw THEIR application in the trash, Alex Jones.)

We think we have made our case, so please email us, Alex Jones, so that we may discuss salary requirements and moving expenses.

Yours in Christ,

Wonkette

P.S. Bilderberg false flag one-world government new world order Deep State will assassinate Donald Trump Masons so-called "Moon Landing" second shooter grassy knoll inside job FEMA camp chemtrails long-form birth certificate Bigfoot Loch Ness Bat Boy Katy Perry spirit cooking #Pizzagate.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click below to fund us!

[Infowars]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Wednesday, during Sarah Huckabee Sanders's first public explosion of lies in 16 days, she gave a very unclear answer to a question from the New York Times's Maggie Haberman, which was "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Specifically the question was about Russian reports that Putin's rogue shithole state would like to question/detain 11 Americans for their supposed "crimes" against Russia, in exchange for Russia's cooperation in letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian military intelligence officials he indicted last week for hacking our 2016 election. Putin's list of pals he would like to have for a chat starts with businessman Bill Browder, who used to be Russia's biggest foreign investor, who is actually a British citizen (LOL Russia is stupid), and who is Vladimir Putin's arch-enemy because Browder and his Russian accountant Sergei Magnitsky (whom Putin later had killed in jail) exposed massive Russian government corruption that led to the creation of "Magnitsky Acts" all over the world that sanction the ever-loving fuck out of Putin and his buddies.

Getting rid of the Magnitsky Act is Putin's number one foreign policy priority, so it's probably safe to say it's high on Donald Trump's list too. Indeed, during Trump's shameful press conference with Putin, Trump said Putin had made an "incredible offer" during their private meeting, and it was MOAR PEE HOOKERS! for the quid pro quo we described above. How sweet of Trump's KGB boss to offer to make such an Art Of The Deal with him!

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In an impressive display of fiscal restraint, House Republicans yesterday refused to fund security for election systems before this fall's midterms, because ... well, not sure, really. (Just kidding. We know why and you know why and they know you know and we know why!)

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