Wonkette Ranks Hillary's VP Picks By Hotness, Because We're Shallow Like That
GET IT GURL
Ooh, did you all see the big SCOOP that is in the lamestream media today, about how Hillary Clinton's short list of VP candidates has leaked? Vox published a long info-tainment blog post thingie about all the pros and cons of all the people Hillary is said to be vetting, and it's very nice, we suppose. But the site failed to rank the choices in terms of how sexxxy they are, which is absolute journalistic malpractice. Wonkette must now rectify that, by doing very little research on any of these folks' records, and instead just going to their Facebook pages and seeing how hot they are. Let's DO THIS.
9. Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan
Tim Ryan is from Ohio and used to be one of the most notorious "pro-life" Democrats around. But he's better about that now! Also, apparently he and Hillary like to dance together, like they are at da club.
GET IT, GIRL!
8. Labor Secretary Tom Perez
Tom Perez! The labor secretary! What a guy! According to Vox, he is the offspring of Dominican immigrants, so that would help Hillary with the Latins! He is very cute, but alas, he is not higher on this list, because we are being arbitrary, judgmental and shallow.
7. Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine
6. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Julián Castro
Castro's name has been coming up as a Hillary shortlist veep pick since approximately the Prehistoric Era. And he is very good! He was the mayor of San Antonio, but Vox says he has never done anything that makes him qualified to be the veep. Why you gotta be so mean, Vox? Yr Editrix also says Wonkette Editorial Policy On Julián Castro is that he looks like one of the aliens from the Men In Black movie film. Why you gotta be so mean, OURSELVES?
5. California Rep. Xavier Becerra
Vox is all "Becerra is actually qualified to be preznit, unlike that Castro fellow." We would add that he is hot, in a daddy sort of way, and it is Father's Day this weekend, therefore he gets our #5 spot.
Also, he is gay married to the Dalai Lama, and we hope they are very happy together.
They are registered at Target.
4. New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker
Cory Booker is pretty hot, honestly! He is the senator from New Jersey, and used to be mayor of Newark, and has always been an all-around swell guy. We're not here to talk about his record, though. Hey look, he takes selfies with the elderly folk!
Sometimes he looks like this, also too:
Actually, if you go to his Facebook, he's being kind of a giant nerd in a lot of his pictures. That's OK, but it doesn't win our top spot.
3. Ohio Sen. Sherrod Brown
Sherrod Brown is liberal and handsome, and he has a sexy daddy voice. And he's from Ohio. (HELLO, SWING STATE!) Here he is with a baby. It is crying because he is telling it the liberal agenda. In the bottom half of the picture is his family, probably.
2. Elizabeth Warren, because like duh.
OK, yes, we know that Elizabeth Warren should probably be number one, and if we weren't JUST being shallow, we would put her there. Because she IS hot. She looks like this!
Elizabeth Warren defenestrates Donald Trump on a regular basis, and it is glorious. She does the same to Wall Street and all the Republican man-boys and hoo boy, she revels in it. However, the point of this post is how we are being shallow (and gay), so she is in the #2 spot, because there is one very special man at the very top of the list. You, however, can buy Wonkette products featuring Warren's bosoms and badass-i-ness RIGHT HERE.
Let's have another picture of Elizbeth Warren, being hot:
Elizabeth Warren speaks, you listen
1. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti
Again, sorry, Lizzie Warren, for you are very much hotness and whatnot, but we have recently been made aware of the fierce hotness of the man who is the current elected Prince Of Los Angeles, Eric Garcetti. He is smart (hot) and kind (so hot) and we don't even know if he's really qualified to be vice president, but fuck it. If he cannot be vice president of America, then it is incumbent upon Hillary Clinton to establish a new cabinet position for him, called Secretary Of Cuddling With Wonkette Right Now. It would be a very important job!
He is both a Jewish and also a Mexican-American! And from the looks of this picture, he is one half of the cutest gay couple ever:
Awwwww, we bet they are very happy. He also looks like this:
Sometimes he is just a flat-out dork, as we can see in this picture. Wonkette approves.
We officially call upon Hillary Clinton make this man our vice president. Or Elizabeth Warren, that would be fine too. Or whichever one she likes the best, we guess.
OR she could do what America really wants and fly up to Ottawa and pluck this man from his Canadian hidey-hole, and make him our new North American Prince of the Vice Presidency.
Yep, that's the ticket. Clinton-Trudeau 2016!