Wonkette Week In Review: All The Stuff You Missed While You Were 'In Your Bunk'
So before we started this week's list of the ten most-shared-on-Facebook posts of the last week, we had prepared a beautiful 1500-word Dear Shitferbrains piece for you. It was almost certainly the bestest, funniest Dear Shitferbrains EVAR. Or at least the best in the last three days. And just as we were getting ready for final proofreading, we saved the piece, looked at it, and discovered that it was now a 700-word piece that cut off in the middle of one paragraph. We are not happy at all with the WordPress gods, or perhaps the other way around. So we'll have to reconstruct that thing and get it to youse tomorrow. In the meantime, here are the bestest stories of the week, which you may have missed because people were oppressing you. Don't see one of your favorites here? BURN THE MOTHERF... Remember to shareyour favorite stories on Facebook, so that all the good stuff reaches all the good people!
10: We met Sheriff Gary Painter of Midland County, Texas, a rootin-tootin law enforcer who's not going to let no ISIS terrorists get through his territory, no sir! He will scare them until they drop their Korans and pee themselves something fierce.
9: People sure do like that John Oliver fella, especially when he's giving us all a preview of the Big Scottish Independence vote. That segment had the great insight that to Americans, Scotland is "the birthplace of Shrek and that accent you think you can do but actually can’t.”
8: Welfare Rancher Cliven Bundy decided he likes Government after all, if it can protect him from getting sued by a motorist who was injured when her car hit one of Bundy's cows. The stray bovine had wandered onto an interstate highway through a fence that Bundy couldn't be bothered to maintain, and that, says Bundy, is the responsibility of the state or the feds, even if he doesn't recognize their authority. Cliven Bundy is a damn socialist.
7: Monday morning brought us another in the string of NFL horror stories, with the news of Adrian Peterson's suspension (later reversed, then later re-imposed) for beating the crap out of his four-year-old son. We predicted that plenty of idiots would defend him, and we wish we hadn't been right.
6: In Alabama, Gov. Robert Bentley was asked for some words of advice for parents and others grieving the death of an 8-dear-old black girl. He explained that there are a lot of messed up families out there, and it's hard to say why they go so wrong. Maybe it's drugs, maybe it's alcohol.
5: CNN's Don Lemon had some thoughts about beating kids for their misbehavior. He figures that if slave owners whipped people to keep 'em in line, that's all the precedent you need.
4: A review of textbooks written to meet Texas's terrible history standards found that they were every bit as awful as you'd expect.
3: Sarah Palin showed us what the best-dressed failed vice-presidential candidate and her pack of quarrelsome children should wear to a hillbilly brawl.
2: Our exclusive look at Mark Sanford's weird divorce trial transcript revealed that Mark Sanford is one weird dude indeed.
1: In the wake of the Hobby Lobby decision, it turns out you can get away with just about any damn thing now if you claim you didn't have to follow the law because of your religious beliefs (don't try this if you're a Jedi, obviously. This is not the indulgent court you're looking for).
ALSO! Remember that tonight is your Great Big Portland Drinky Thing! Put a bird on it! The fun, or at least the drinking, starts at 6 at Base Camp Brewing, and we are pretty sure that nobody there is sick of being told, "All your Base Camp are belong to us." Give it a try! And next Saturday it's Seattle's Third Wonkette Drinky Thing, but also Seattle's First Official Wonkette Drinky Thing, because the first two were rogue operations. 6 o'clock at the Rhino Room (no Tea Partiers allowed). We'll see you there!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.