How can we possibly pick just one person to be Wonkette's 2019 Legislative Dickheel Shitcanoe Of The Entire Year? It would seem like a daunting task, and that's why we are a professional and you are not.

You might think it should be Jim Jordan (last year's winner) or Devin Nunes or Doug Collins or Matt Gaetz or any of the other Republican moron idiots on the House Intelligence and Judiciary Committees who showed their asses during the impeachment hearings, and yes, we agree that those guys ARE absolute shitheels. But they also are all kind of interchangeable dumbshit white dudes who do and say all the same things. Hell, the only way you can tell Jim Jordan apart from the rest of them is because of how his clothes look like they're from the Big Lots. And the only way you can tell Devin Nunes apart from the rest of them is like OMG SO MANY COWS. (Allegedly.)

You might think it should be Lindsey Graham, and TBH, maybe it should be.

But as this post is not a democracy, and we are the decider-in-chief of it, for our money it's gotta be the guy at the very top of the Senate, the one who overall has the most power to fuck America for Donald Trump, and boy oh boy does he exercise that power.

That's right, Moscow Mitch McConnell, you get a prize!


Let us briefly tick off three or four reasons why:

ALLLLLL THE BILLS (He Refuses To Pass)

Did you know that, in theory, the Senate is supposed to take up legislation the House passes, for the good of the American people? Instead, McConnell has bragged about how he will be the "grim reaper" for all those bills, because he will make them die.

How many bills, many of them bipartisan, has the House passed? Hundreds. And what are they all doing right now?

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer commented to Vox in November:

"From raising the minimum wage to ensuring equal pay, we have passed legislation to raise wages. And we have passed legislation to protect and expand health coverage and bring down prescription drug prices," House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer said in a statement to Vox. "We continue to urge Senator McConnell to take up our bills, many of which are bipartisan."

And some of those bills specifically deal with election security, in order to make sure we have truly free and fair elections in America, which is against the GOP platform these days, so McConnell won't even bring them up, which brings us to ...

ALLLLLLLLL THE MOSCOW MITCH-ING!

There is a reason Moscow Mitch got his name.

Here are some Wonkette pieces from throughout the year about Mitch McConnell blocking election security bills and/or just generally being a Moscow Fuckin' Mitch:

February 26: Mitch McConnell SO MAD Democrats Forced GOP To Cheat In North Carolina Election

July 26: Senate GOP: We Don't Need No F*ckin' Election Security! Also Senate GOP: Here's How Russia Attacked Us In 2016

July 30: MOSCOW MITCH MAAAAD!

August 15: Nancy Pelosi Calls Moscow Mitch By His Name

September 5: Today Would Be A Good Day For Moscow Mitch To Go F*ck Himself With A Russian Matryoshka Doll

September 20: Moscow Mitch Does Absolute Least He Can Do On Election Security, DO NOT CONGRATULATE

This is happening against the backdrop of a president who fluked his way into office on the back of a Russian attack on the 2016 election, who has invited Russia to interfere on his behalf again, and who literally just was impeached for hitting up another country, Ukraine, to meddle in the 2020 election on his behalf, partially in order to damage a likely election opponent, Joe Biden, and also partially to scapegoat that country (and not Russia) for the 2016 election attack.

Fuck that guy so much.

Know what Mitch McConnell has found time to do?

ALLLLLLLLLL THESE 24-YEAR-OLD BIGOT JUDGES CONFIRMED FOR LIFE!

Donald Trump has held up his end of the bargain with Republican voters who might otherwise mildly disapprove of his lying and adultery and potty language, by nominating every fucking unqualified idiot he can find to lifetime appointments in the federal judiciary, in order to finally achieve their dream of killing Roe v. Wade and (more of) the Voting Rights Act and just about every other terrible thing you can imagine. And Mitch McConnell's Senate can't seem to find a problem with any of 'em, no matter how bad they are. Here, read about one of 'em!

Wonkette wrote about the state of Trump judges in 2019 a few weeks ago:

Trump has now appointed two Supreme Court justices, 48 federal appellate court judges, 118 district court judges, and two US Court of International Trade judges. The Senate has confirmed 90 new Trump judges in 2019 alone.

That's a total of 170 Senate-confirmed judicial appointments for Donald Trump in less than three years in office. By the end of the year, that number is expected to top 180. Trump has said his goal for the year is 183 new federal judges.

That was December 10. By December 20, the total was at 187. And we still have another year of this before we can start to fix it by electing LITERALLY ANYBODY ELSE to the presidency and, if we can get our fucking eyes on the ball and stop bickering about how Pete Buttigieg or Elizabeth Warren or whomever else is not absolutely perfect at all times, retaking the Senate, which would have the benefit of taking away Mitch McConnell's ability to ruin America.

Which brings us to ...

ALLLLLL MITCH MCCONNELL'S STATED INTENTIONS TO EXONERATE DONALD TRUMP IN THE SENATE'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S GOING TO BE AN 'IMPARTIAL JUROR' OR ANYTHING!

Yeah, that. And people wondered why House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that she'd be handing McConnell the articles of impeachment at the exact moment she is good and fuckin' ready, and not a second before.

Enjoy your crown, Moscow Mitch! It is a crown of shit, and you have earned it.

Now come back at midnight.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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