There is a thing Wonkette does on New Year's Eve. We award a prize, a magical bejeweled dildo or something, who even knows, for both the legislative HERO of the year, and also the legislative SHITHEEL. What is the difference between the two prizes? Dunno, but we are pretty sure the one we give to the shitheel was not made according to the manufacturers' specifications!

Anywho, the process for selecting these people is complicated. Whoever is writing it just decides, or if they need help deciding, they say "hey, anybody else have ideas?"

We did not need to do that with this year's Legislative Shitheel, Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson. It was the easiest fucking thing in the world. He is an absolute piece of shit, he is the Senate's Dumbest Republican, and we hate him and want him to spend New Year's crying because he looks in the mirror and sees for the first time just how much he sucks. Then we want him to stub his toe. Then we want a small child to walk by him and point and laugh. Then we want a block of his FAVORITE Wisconsin cheese to fall on his head, and for him to be so traumatized by it that he never eats his FAVORITE Wisconsin cheese again.

Fuck him, is what we mean.


And why does Ron Johnson get this award? Let us count the whys:

  • For signaling early and often that if Trump couldn't extort Ukraine into doing fake Biden investigations, Ron Johnson, Senate's Dumbest Republican, will just do them his-self! Hell, his ass was all up in Trump's original Ukraine scandal, why not keep doing the same work!
  • For being FINEFUCKINGFINE with using sources for those fake investigations that he was told repeatedly came straight out of the bowels of the Kremlin.
  • Indeed, for being FINEFUCKINGFINE pushing lies about Joe Biden having a corrupt Ukrainian prosecutor fired in order to protect his son Hunter Biden, when Johnson knew full-and-damn-well that Biden was merely representing American foreign policy when he demanded that corrupt prosecutor fired, because of how Johnson agreed with calling for that guy's firing at the time too.
  • And he just KEPT fucking that Hunter Biden chicken. And fucking it. And fucking it. Even though the GOP-led Senate Intelligence Committee had looked into all the fake Biden Ukraine shit and found it to be fake and full of Kremlin propaganda. Even though the Biden investigation he ran as the chair of the Senate Homeland Security Committee, which he clearly planned to use as an October surprise to help ratfuck the election for Trump, turned up nothing. He fucked it some more. And fucked it. And fucked it. And he's still fucking it. That is one tired chicken.
  • Again, he was TOLD! Time and time again! That he was being used for a Kremlin propaganda op! It was all over the news!
  • We are not following traditional bullet-point format here!
  • And then he found a new chicken to fuck, and it was ELECTION FRAUDSSS111!111!!!!!!
  • For also, early and often, being one of the shining lights of the Senate GOP caucus encouraging Americans to stop focusing on how Nana is dead from coronavirus, and look on the bright side, and think about all the people who AREN'T dead like Nana! After all, he said back in March, it looked like it only killed between one and 3.4 percent of people it infected. No big, right? (If it killed between one and 3.4 percent of the population, that's in the neighborhood of three to eleven million deaths.)
  • He sure did push Donald Trump's magic hydroxybonercut 3000 snake oil corona cure, though!
  • And finally, for admitting when he thought nobody was listening that he's smarter than he acts, that he knows Trump is an "asshole," but for the sake of his own political power is unwilling to speak the truth.

Fuck you, Ron Johnson. Oh no, look up, is that your favorite Wisconsin cheese, FALLING ON YOUR HEAD?

Serves you goddamned right.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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