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Twitter got stupid earlier. (Yes, it "got stupid" and now it is unstupid. You bet.)

News blew out around lunchtime that ZOMG MIKE PENCE was FLYING THROUGH THE AIR and Donald Trump made him TURN AROUND because of a NATIONAL 'MERGY and OH NO IT IS THE APOCALYPSE. Or maybe we're bombing Iran. Or maybe ... something else!

At least that's how it came out when Randy Gentry, a dude from the veep's office, told the crowd at the opioid event Pence was about to fly to in New Hampshire that "Air Force 2 was headed this way, but there's been an emergency and the vice president was asked to return to Washington."

Soon after, rumors beginnedeth on the internet that, at the very same time, Vladimir Putin had canceled his whole schedule for the day and that the European Union Security Council had been called into an emergency meeting. As for the first, it does appear that Putin chucked his schedule and called an urgent meeting because of a fire on Russian sub that killed 14. As for the second, though the rumor was tweeted by a blue checkmark, we regret to inform you that the EU Security Council does not even exist.

So what the hey, huh?


Pence's spokesperson has been trying to calm everyone down.

Every person in the Trump administration is a known liar, so take that all with a grain of salt.

Somebody in the White House told CNN that whatever the very good reason for taking Mike Pence off the tarmac and forcing him to stay in DC was, it was "not health related for the VP or President," neither was it "related to national security."

Again, we are talking about liars, so it might have been all three. Let's wildly speculate as to what is really going on in Washington DC right now. None of the following is true, unless we happen upon it accidentally, in which case you heard it here first:

  • Not related to Trump's health or national security, HUH? Well if that's the case, our best guess is that one of Trump's lunchtime Big Macs tried to invoke the 25th Amendment against his butthole (he eats them through his butthole, ALLEGEDLY) and Trump was in bed humping the nuclear football at the time, which means it was both a "president's health" issue and also a "national security" issue, and we will assume that until somebody with an ounce of credibility tells us otherwise. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.
  • Maybe it is actually the apocalypse.
  • Maybe there was a girl on the plane and Mike Pence is not allowed to be alone with girls because he might accidentally fuck them and he texted the White House to say, "LADY ON FLIGHT! SPIRITUAL WARFARE ALARM! SPIRITUAL WARFARE ALARM! THE LITTLE MINIATURE WHITE-HAIRED MIKE PENCE IN MY UNDERWEAR MIGHT COME OUT, AND THEN I WILL GO TO HELL! CAN U CALL A NATIONAL EMERGENCY?" It could have been that.
  • Maybe Trump got stuck on the toilet and the jaws of life couldn't get to the White House (there was a tank in the way) and for those few minutes of seismic grunting and chafing and incessant complaining, America did not have a president.
  • Maybe Trump's very science-y scientists realized that Pence's flight path was going to go over some windmills, the kind that cause cancer, and Pence wanted to avoid them out of extreme caution, in case they might also blow him and turn him gay.
  • Maybe Trump is firing Pence and hiring Nikki Haley, that is a rumor that is on the internet.

Those are all good possibilities. Of course, this news broke around the same time:

UH OH! CHUNKY TRUMP BLIMP COMETH ON THE FOURTH OF JULY!

Anyway, we hope they successfully got Trump off the toilet, not that we are saying the president definitely spent an hour of his day stuck on the toilet.

When will we find out what really happened?

Can't hardly wait.

It must be noted that at the same time all of this has been happening, #RIP45 has also been trending on the Twitter machine, but it's NOT because Trump has died. It is because Tyler Skaggs, the Los Angeles Angels pitcher, was found dead in his hotel room at age 27, and he wore the number "45." That is very sad. Of course, that hasn't stopped some true Trump dumbasses on the internet from yellin' at the libs about how they are heartlessly celebrating the president's death that did not happen with the hashtag #RIP45.

Anyway, like we said, this is definitely about the blimp. Trump found out the blimp is going to preside over President Dickless's Fourth Of July Craptacular Loser Firework Tank Dumbstupid Show For Sadfucks With Yeti Pubes Who Have A Lot To Prove, and he had a manic episode, and he needed to be nuzzled by Mike Pence, who is allegedly very good at nuzzling.

Giphy

Whatever, go back to your lives now.

[CNN]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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