Y'all Know This Hope Hicks White House Wife-Beater Boyfriend Thing Totally Happened On 'Scandal,' Right?
TELL ME MORE?
Fine, Shonda Rhimes, we forgive you for ending "Scandal" a few seasons early because it's so difficult to write "Scandal" in Trump's America, where literally everything is a scandal.
Because listen, hear us out on this, but we couldn't help but notice that things very similar to the resignation of White House staff secretary and reported Hope Hicks boyfriend Rob Porter, over his many wife-beating allegations, have actually literally happened on "Scandal." Know how "Law & Order: SVU" does that thing where one of the Duggar boys fingers his family, and then six months later on TV Detective Olivia Benson is investigating "The Guggars"? In this case, it's happening in reverse. Now it seems like the Trump White House is taking its cues from the TV, which isn't surprising, since President TV Dinner takes his intelligence briefings directly from "Fox & Friends," and also spends the rest of his day watching TV.
In one "Scandal" plotline (SPOILERS!!!!) there are straight-up parallels to the Porter/Hicks story. In the second plotline (SPOILERS!!!!) Wonkette will be wildly speculating about how another element of the story might be just like what happened on "Scandal."
Abby Whelan's wife-beaty ex-husband is hanging around the White House, you cool with that, Abby?
In season four, Abby Whelan is the White House Press Secretary. But years before that, DC fixer Olivia Pope had rescued Abby from her abusive marriage to Charles Putney, who was somehow involved in politics, we cannot remember. But suddenly, because of a #SCANDAL, a senator from Virginia has to resign, and President Fitzgerald Grant decides to give that same wife-beaty guy Putney his very high-profile endorsement in the special Senate race. Hey, Abby, your abusive ex-husband is in the White House RIGHT FUCKING NOW. He seems to be hanging around a lot, because your boss endorsed the guy who beat you up and ruined your life. Is that OK with you?
Um, no it is not, so Olivia Pope is like "I will fix this, ABRACADABRA and ZING!" and decides to run the campaign of a then unknown Virginia politician, Susan Ross, against Putney. In the end, this other DC fixer guy Leo Bergen, who is a gross creep in earlier seasons, comes to Abby's aid and publicly humiliates Putney, which forces Putney to withdraw from the race, and Ross wins. Of course, because this is Hollywood, Leo ends up becoming Abby's adorable gross creep boyfriend, but to be clear, he isn't gross in a wife-beaty way, so it's cool. Abby just has odd taste in men, like someone else we could mention, is all.
It's not an exact parallel, but here is Hope Hicks, being the communications director, and she is dating the wife-beater in the White House, but the president and Chief of Staff John Kelly are like "OOH LA LA I LOVES ME A WIFE-BEATER WEARING A WIFE-BEATER!" and now everyone is in Big Trouble Mister for having bad taste.
UNLESS. And this brings us to our second parallel, which is fucking wild-ass speculation on our part, but ...
Pffffffft, that guy is not Olivia Pope's real boyfriend, that is just a cover story because she's bing-bonging the president.
Jake Ballard is way hotter than Rob Porter.
If you didn't know (SPOILER!!!!), the primary running theme of "Scandal" is the lusty, toxic, star-crossed, adulterous, on-again, off-again, "I wish I knew how to quit you!" relationship between President Fitzgerald Grant ("Oh, Fitz!") and Olivia Pope ("Liv!").
In season three, Fitz is gearing up to run for president and quickly finds out his asshole Jesus-banger vice president Sally Langston is going to run against him as an independent. Her campaign manager? Leo Bergen. (Told you he was a gross creep in earlier seasons.) Leo is threatening to make Fitz 'n' Olivia's boner shenanigans public, which would be real bad for a president trying to get re-elected, so Mellie Grant, Fitz's wife who is the first lady, and who knows all about Fitz 'N' Olivia at this point, is like "Olivia, listen. You can keep fucking my husband ALL THE TIME because I hate his guts and when you are fucking him that means he is not bothering me. But can you PUH-LEEZE get a fake boyfriend and show up in public with him all the time so everybody will shut up? Trying to preserve power here! KTHANKS."
So Olivia is like "Oh hey, here's an idea! I will pretend to be fucking Jake Ballard, who is currently command at secret intelligence agency B613, and who is SMOKIN' HOT. In fact, I will enjoy pretending to fuck him!" Fitz doesn't like Jake faking like he's Olivia's boyfriend, because Fitz has history with Jake (too close bro!), but we guess it works out fine because Olivia and Jake totally NOT FAKE fucked starting in season two, so the con works.
Rob Porter, who is not as hot as Jake Ballard
As we said, we are wildly speculating, but y'all know there's rumors afoot that maybe Donald Trump is having an affair right now, and if that's true, it means Hope Hicks and Donald Trump might be bumping uglies. (Those convinced it is Nikki Haley are wrong. Trump doesn't cheat with women his own wife's age.) Hope-y is by his side at all times and she makes the wrinkles on his pants go away WHILE HE IS WEARING THEM. She even handles all his email correspondence, because as we all know, the president does not know how to Computer. Trump, according to Michael Wolff, told Hope Hicks after she broke up with Corey Lewandowski that she was in possession of some Grade-A tail, the likes of which is too good for a common Corey Lewandowski.
Meanwhile, Melania Trump, the president's wife, haaaaaaaate her husband. Therefore we are just saying we can see a very obvious scenario, especially after Wolff's Fire and Fury book, and in the wake of the Stormy Daniels revelations, where White House people might have figured it would be real good, if Donald Trump and Hope Hicks are in fact sittin' in a tree, to create a counter-narrative for public consumption that no actually Hope is sittin' in a tree with someone else, anyone will do.
And the story woulda worked out great if the Trump White House, that beacon of poor planning and failure to vet personnel, hadn't ignored how Rob Porter is a WIFE-BEATY WIFE-BEATER and it would look REAL BAD if that news came out and he had to resign in shame while also allegedly "dating Hope Hicks." "Wait, this guy is Hope Hicks's boyfriend? Huh? Did nobody tell her? SERIOUSLY, DID NOBODY FUCKING TELL HER?"
Come to think of it, Rob Porter might have literally been the only choice, because Jesus Christ, it's possible Captain Wife-Beater might actually be the most eligible bachelor in the whole entire Trump White House, that's now nasty all these people are. (Barron Trump is not old enough to fake-date Hope Hicks, it just wouldn't be appropriate.)
For the record, according to CNN reporter Jeremy Diamond, Hope Hicks was actually part of writing the official White House response to the wife-beating allegations against Porter, so if any of our wildly speculating is true, we can see why she would have been involved in the OH SHIT, FIX IT, FIX IT! process.
On the other hand, if none of our wildly speculating is true, PLEASE, HOPE HICKS, RUN AWAY FROM THE WIFE-BEATER! Nobody in the White House may love you enough to say this, but Wonkette does!
Anyway, our point is that this shit all happened on "Scandal," and now it's happening in real life in the the actual White House and America is officially a desolate wasteland of shit.
"Scandal" airs at 9 PM Thursdays on ABC, in case Shonda Rhimes chooses to view this post as a promo and would like to Paypal our personal account. We are willing to write hilarious think-pieces about "How To Get Away With Murder" too, but not "Grey's Anatomy," because we are way behind on that one.
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