Yee-haw! I'm Governor Greg Abbott, And I Say Covid's Over! And Also Not Over!
Well shoot my steer and gore my guts, if it ain’t Governor Greg Abbott here. I am dang pleased to return to piss all y’all off with my idioms and my analogies and my good ol’ down-home Texas wisdom! Glue your hands to that saddlehorn and grip it like a Texas Christian coed giving her first handy, we’re gonna ride this buckin' bronco like a Cormac McCarthy character ridin’ the neglected wife of a wealthy rancher!
So listen, y’all probably didn’t hear ‘cause at this point it’s as routine as the Cowboys missin’ the playoffs, but last week I renewed the COVID disaster declaration I first signed in early 2020. That declaration had given me all sorts of emergency powers to shut down schools, institute mask mandates and the like. Which is what the CDC and all sortsa disease experts said to do.
But there was one drawback, in that all them mitigation steps really, really, really pissed off the rightwingers I need to win re-election this fall and then run for president in 2024. They all kicked up a fuss harder than a mule kickin’ over a feed bucket, and well, I’m nothin’ if not thirsty for advancin’ my career.
So I eventually backed off all them restrictions and such.
Now y’all may be asking yourselves, “Guv’nor Abbott, I get that. But why would you keep extending the COVID disaster declaration while at the same time not doing anything to stop the outbreaks that keep makin’ it necessary? COVID hospitalizations are up 37 percent in Texas this month alone! Don’t that make about as much sense as teachin’ a hog to play Nintendo?”
To which I say, “Dang, a hog playing Nintendo? Don’t that beat all! What’s next, a armadillo playin’ the bassoon?”
But see, the thing about disaster declarations is that they give a governor a lot of power. So ‘cause of these declarations, I can order local municipalities to not take any steps to mitigate any COVID outbreaks. Or I can override orders from local health authorities or school boards that might want to order mask mandates or school closures to shut down a outbreak. Or keep locals from doing anything at all that might cost me votes with the base. Ain't that doin somethin', in a way?
Yeah, I know how it sounds. But like I said, when I first was puttin’ in such orders on a statewide level, them rightwingers blew up harder ‘n the engine in a ’58 Chevy runnin’ up to Amarillo with no water in its radiator.
These declarations are like having a functioning electrical grid, but for concentrating power in one state office instead of somewhere useful, like in your house’s heating and cooling system. And the only thing I like more than advancin’ my career is havin’ an excuse to exercise power!
Listen, if it weren’t for that power, I couldn’t pair my COVID declaration with my disaster declaration for the southern border, so’s I can run the National Guard down there on the pretense of keeping COVID-riddled illegals from crossing into America. Even if all they’re doin’ down there is wastin’ state money and getting depressed and desperate enough to commit suicide.
An' I certainly couldn’t appropriate federal COVID relief money and use it to charter buses to send illegals up to Washington DC and dumpin’ them suckers right on Congress’s doorstep.
Which we totally ain’t doing, by the way, 'cause then the feds might stop sending money. So we ain't doin' it. But even if we are, we ain’t.
So to sum up this whole shebang, I keep extending the COVID disaster declaration so’s I can stop people from doing anything to stop the COVID outbreaks that are the reason the declaration exists in the first place. Don’t that beat all!
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