Yee-haw! I'm Governor Greg Abbott Of Texas, And I Say Starve All Them Mexican Babies!

Yee-haw! I'm Governor Greg Abbott Of Texas, And I Say Starve All Them Mexican Babies!
By J Dimas - The Governor, CC BY 2.0,

Well how-dee, Wonketteers! It's me, Governor Greg Abbott of Texas, the rootinest, tootinest governor west of the Mississippi and south of Toronto! I'm here to tell y'all about a gosh darn serious problem we got here in the good ol' U-S-of-A, which is that old slow Joe Biden is givin' the dang bea ... Mexicaners all the precious baby formula instead of feedin' it himself to good American Christian babies!

Y'all might done heard about this problem. Seems there's a baby formula plant up in Mich-ee-gan what got contaminated by some whaddayacallit, bacteria or whatnot, and sent out a whole bunch of Similac back in February that had to be recalled. (The company that makes Similac is called Abbott, and if that don't beat all!) Abbott also closed the plant to fix it up right, and it ain't reopened yet.

Now, as I understand it — well, I don't understand it, but my advisers tried to explain it to me real slow-like — as I understand it, Abbott and a tiny number of other companies got them a monopoly on makin' baby formula for the whole country. And between 'em, they only got but so many plants churnin' out the stuff. One of them plants goes down, and you got a bigger mess than a Abilene cattle barn after feedin' time!

Now if you're like me, you're thinkin', so what? What do babies need with formula anyway? What did God done give women all them boobies for if not to feed their precious little treasures? Well turns out, breast-feedin's harder than I thought. Sometimes one a them breedin' sows — sorry, human mommas — cain't do it for one reason or t'other.

Which is why we need companies like Abbott to make stuff like Similac. When there ain't enough Similac or whatnot, parents can't get formula for their babies. You got empty grocery shelves all over the dang place, parents panicking 'cause their babies are cryin' louder 'n' that hurricane that done wiped out Galveston back in the day. In America! The best darn country Jesus ever made!

But y'know who does have plenty of baby formula? Joe Biden! I know this 'cause this dang congress lady from Florida put out a picture of shelves in a migrant shelter down the border that was all sortsa stocked. Looky here:

Now admittedly, two of the three shelves in the shelter are full of applesauce, and there ain't no applesauce shortage in America. If there was, every dang senior citizen rest home from El Paso to Armadillo would be callin' me here in the governor's mansion to demand I get them some applesauce.

But still! Our Walmarts is empty, but the shelters is full 'cause Joe Biden is givin' formula to them little Mexican babies crossin' the border and bein' taken into custody by our Border Patrol. Which is why me and my compadre Brandon Judd, president of the union that represents border officers (see, unions ain't all bad) put out this letter warnin' Biden he best take that formula away from them illegal babies and give it to them what was born in the United States like decent people:

Now you might be thinkin', if them shelters ain't got no formula, won't those babies just starve? Won't the border patrol folks mannin' them shelters have one heck of a mess on their hands, what with the screamin' babies and their mommas beggin' and pleadin' us to help 'em? Ain't it some sort of legal responsibility, to say nothing of Christian duty, to feed them migrants we got in custody? Ain't lettin' 'em all starve to death some sort of crime against humanity?

Well sure, when you put it like that, it sounds bad. But that ain't my problem. Hell, I already done almost blowed up Texas's economy stoppin' extra trucks at the border for a few weeks to search for illegals and drugs might be hidin' in there, and you don't see me apologizin' for protectin' the great state of Texas, do ya? People tell me, "But Guv'nor, you didn't find no illegals or drugs in them trucks! It was all for nothin'." To which I say, tarnation! That just proves how wily them illegals is at hidin' themselves.

Anyways, back to the baby formula. Y'all might be sayin' how did this happen, and why ain't Abbott (no relation) cleaned up their darn mess? And why ain't we bringin' in formula from Canada or Europe or even Mexico? Ain't formula made by countries that ain't America probably just as good?

Well looky here, there's a couple reasons. One is that most popular formulas from Europe ain't registered with the Food and Drug Administration, so the federal guv'mint has no way of knowin' all the ways it's been produced and stored and shipped and all. In other words, that unregulated stuff may not be safe. And until we Americans stop bein' snowflakes and agree to willy-nilly feed our babies formula what we don't necessarily know where it come from, Europe ain't much of an option.

What about Canada, you might be askin'? Or Mexico? They both make lots of baby formula. Well in fact, when our greatest president ever, Mr. Donald J. Trump hisself, renegotiated the NAFTA free trade agreement, he put limits on how much them ice-fishin' weirdos could export to the US so they wouldn't dump so much on the open market that prices went down and domestic companies could dominate the market. That meant companies that might have otherwise built plants in Canada realized it didn't make business sense to do so. So there's less production capacity to take up the slack if even one American plant goes down.

Now this would probably be all fine anyway if the FDA was regulatin' them plants like it's supposed to. But whether through incompetence or bureaucracy or understaffing, it couldn't check out the Michigan plant when a whistleblower back in 2019 done claimed it had all sorts of problems and wasn't safe. Then Abbott (again, no relation) was free to not fix all sorts of old equipment or maintain basic safety measures to prevent contamination and all. Instead they put billions into stock buybacks over the last couple years to make their executives richer.

Hey, what's a couple dead babies against payin' to fix problems with their plant?

Yee haw, capitalism! A-course, the drawback is all the starving babies and panicking parents. Which Joe Biden could help by taking formula from the border shelters, where there's probably enough to stock one Walmart in McLean for a few hours. Then of course instead of starving American babies and panicking American parents, you'd have starving Mexican babies and panicking Mexican parents screaming for help. But that ain't Texas's problem! We'll just put all them on buses and send 'em to Congress, and all them fat cat Demo-rats can feed 'em breastmilk or Caesar salad from the Capitol Grille or whatnot.

What's that? Ain't it all actually Bill Gates's doin' 'cause he's heavily invested in labs that produce artificial breast milk, like Candace Owens says? Well that sounds crazier than a steer in heat, but my friend Candace Owens is one smart cookie, and if she heard it from country-western star John Rich of Big & Rich, I got no reason to doubt her.

In fact, forget everythin' I just said. Bill Gates done it.


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