Yes, Of Course Bristol Palin Has A New Reality TV Show, Why Wouldn't She


Did you know that when you are a PR writer and you send our press releases you are supposed to write the headlines for those press releases as if they were the headlines of a legitimate news source? The sick fantasy of every PR flack is of course that some bleary-eyed editor will see your release come over the wire, grunt exhaustedly, and just run it as-is, headline and all, and this being the year 2012 and all news now being on the Internet, that probably happens pretty much constantly. Still, there is a line that even the most bone-tired Web drone will not cross, and that line is crossed multiple times in the following headline: "HIGHLY ANTICIPATED DOCUSERIES, BRISTOL PALIN: LIFE'S A TRIPP, TO PREMIERE TUESDAY, JUNE 19TH, ON LIFETIME." Do you anticipate hate-watching TV? Do you anticipate it highly? Well, mark your calendar, in your own blood!

Let's cast our minds back to August of 2010, when erstwhile Bristol-impregnator Levi Johnston was touting his own reality series, a proposed televised run for mayor of Wasilla that either never took place or maybe we had a stroke and the memory was erased from our brains, a blessing either way. Anyway, while engaged in these promotional duties, he took a moment to trash-talk his recently redumped babymomma, noting that "I don't think I'm any more obsessed with making a career out of this than she is." Joke's on you, Levi, because Bristol is even more obsessed with "this" than you are, if by "obsessed with" you mean "successful at," ha ha!

Anyway, here is the terrible press release, but to save you the trouble of reading it we will supply you with a free-form list of out-of-context phrases that give you the flavor of it:

  • "the chance to experience the life of one of America's most famous young mothers"
  • "showcasing Bristol's journey growing into womanhood"
  • "never-before-granted access to Bristol's real-life experiences"
  • "intense media scrutiny that comes from her lineage"
  • "disciplining her toddler without Tripp's father"
  • "single-handedly writes the next chapter in her and Tripp's life"
  • "working with such organizations as the Candie's Foundation to educate people about the issue"

  • "readers can get her views and opinions on various topics such as politics, pop culture and parenting"

There, that barely made you want to kill yourself, right? Before we go drink ourselves unconscious, we would like to take slight issue with The Wrap's own attempt to squeeze pageviews out of this press release. "'Dancing With the Stars' fans, Sarah Palin supporters, and non-fans of teen pregnancy rejoice: Bristol Palin will return to the nation's airwaves on June 19." This show is not for non-fans of teen pregnancy. It is for serious devotees of teen pregnancy. Why in God's name would you watch a docuseries about a gal famous for one thing, which is that she got teen pregnant, if you weren't extremely keen on teen pregnancy?

Enh, at least she isn't demanding to host the national evening news programs on all three networks or anything. Could be worse [Press release of death].

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On Monday, Gloria Vanderbilt -- socialite, jeans lady, and mom of Anderson Cooper -- passed away at the age of 95. In more normal times, this would merely result in a few obituaries and tributes about her life, and the requisite few RIP tweets.

Unfortunately, we do not live in normal times. These days, no celebrity can die without it becoming the purview of the crazypants QAnon cult, followers of which believe that no one ever dies under normal circumstances, especially not 95-year-old ladies.

Vanderbilt and her family were already something of an obsession with these people due to several "Q proofs" accusing her of doing magic spells, wearing magic illuminati owl necklaces, and [checks notes] doing something involving "red shoes," which the QAnon people think people only wear if they love sacrificing children to Satan.

Yes, this is a thing. No, I do not know if they are also mad at Elvis Costello.

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