Donate

Yes, Ted Cruz Is Running For President Of The United States Of Jesus

Featured

Ted Cruz is launching his first television ad this weekend -- which just happens to be Passover and Easter, a coincidence, no doubt -- and, and it's called "Blessing," and it's really subtle!

Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household. God’s blessing has been on America, from the very beginning of this nation. Over and over again, when we faced impossible odds, the American people rose to the challenge. This is our fight, and that is why I’m running for president of the United States.

See, Cruz's daddy Rafael used to be a deadbeat drunk until he Got SavedTM, so he could be a good father and raise his son right and tell everyone his boy Ted has been hand-picked by God to be president, and also, this is a Christian nation for Christians only, praise the Lord!


[contextly_sidebar id="jWfhfHLZsx7ZGtfx4FAfCRMfM9yFl0l7"]

In case the ad itself is a little too nuanced for you, please note: It will be running on Fox News, on Friday and Sunday, during its broadcast of the teevee movie "Killing Jesus." It is based on the very important and historically accurate snuff book by Bill O'Reilly about how liberals killed Jesus, and everyone should watch it because otherwise, you are part of the secular progressive left's war on Judeo-Christians.

[contextly_sidebar id="fdy4p8T1kgNDgQYmeCIlxtQvJ19vETnH"]

This is a fantastic way for Cruz to reassure the Judeos he's has been trying to woo -- poorly, thus far -- that when he talks about "religious liberty," every five minutes, he's talking about everyone's liberty. Really he is, as long as they've discovered the transformative love of Jesus Christ. For those who haven't, Cruz is here to remind you, this very weekend, it's not too late.

[NYT]

$
Donate with CC

Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

SINGLE & MONTHLY DONATIONS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE - PAYPAL DONATION

PAYPAL RECURRING DONATIONS

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc

SUPPORT THE CAUSE

Donate