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From Schock's Instagram. No shit.

To the surprise of absolutely everyone, former GOP congressman Aaron Schock has officially come out of the closet. No, he wasn't out out yet, he had just been photographed tuggin' peen at Coachella and was always at West Hollywood gay bars and there was that damn "Downton Abbey" office when he was a congressman and there was that belt and those pants and that hot personal photographer Jonathon with an "O" and all the other gay stuff he seemed to be using campaign cash to pay for, but he was NOT OUT.

Now he is.

Schock made the announcement on Instagram, in a NINE-SLIDE EPISTLE about his story that you do not want to read under any circumstances. Therefore we will summarize it for you now in a couple or three run-on sentences, with all the charitable feelings we are able to muster:


I, Aaron Schock, like guys and butts and weenuses, you totally knew this, my entire face says "POUR THE WEENUS ON ME," but I didn't tell anybody because I wanted to tell my family first, like they didn't already know, anyway I grew up in the Midwest and went to one of those terrible wingnut conservative churches and at some point I figured out I like guys but I became a Republican congressman instead, did a buncha gay stuff while I was there, but not THAT kind of gay stuff, and for the record I have never even SEEN "Downton Abbey," that is also something you should know, anyway, everybody made fun of me for being obviously a big closet case homo, UNFAIR, and then all these prosecutors were like "you did campaign finance crimes," UNFAIR, so I quit Congress, but after that I was totally exonerated (by shitty prosecutors who botched everything), READ THE TRANSCRIPT!1111!!!

Annnnnnyway, I was going to tell my mom about the gay stuff, on Easter, but then the pictures of me tuggin' peen at Coachella came out and my mom was like "no don't come home" and unfortunately a lot of my family has been dicks about it, but hopefully they will come around someday ...

Oh yeah, and about all my anti-gay votes when I was in Congress, well let me tell you I was against marriage equality but SO WERE OBAMA AND HILLARY, and that was wrong, and then they supported it and now I support it, 100 years later, now that y'all have all seen me tuggin' peen, but the point is that if I was in Congress now I would support good things for gays, the end.

So, we paraphrased that like a common Adam Schiff, obviously. And we are very sorry that Aaron Schock's family is being a fucking dick about this, just like we are sorry for every LGBTQ person who has experienced family rejection, including during those times when Aaron Schock was in Congress voting against LGBTQ rights. We are happy to hear that his mom recently told him that if he meets a good dude who becomes Someone Special, that she wants to meet him. That's progress.

There are, of course, two words missing. "I'm sorry." It wouldn't fix everything, but it would be a start.

Every LGBTQ person out there has a story, and there are some LGBTQ people who indeed experienced a life so deep in the closet, so brainwashed in the teachings of the conservative Church, so afraid of who they really were, that they joined up on the side of the pitchforks and torches, because it made them feel safe from their own deepest darkest secrets. Schock mentions that his family has sent him "pray away the gay" conversion therapy pamphlets, and that's kinda funny, because some of the most significant "I've hurt people, but I want to make up for it" stories come from former "ex-gay" leaders who finally acknowledged that they are still gay, nobody can change their sexual orientation, and now are doing the work of repairing the damage they inflicted on other people.

Aaron Schock is being dishonest when he hides behind the fact that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton also did not support marriage equality when he was in Congress. First of all, they came around in short order — led, if you've forgotten, by Joe Biden. But Obama and Hillary also did not support a Federal Marriage Amendment, which in the long-ago history of 10 years ago was what anti-gay hate groups and leaders were creaming their pants over. States were banning marriage equality in their constitutions, but the real get was to enshrine anti-gay discrimination in the United States Constitution.

And Schock? Well, here's what he said in 2012 about that:

When asked whether he supports the Federal Marriage Amendment endorsed in the party's platform [...] he hedged, at first saying that he supported it but then telling BuzzFeed that he "ha[s]n't really thought too much about it" and would "have to read it."

As Chris Geidner noted in that BuzzFeed piece, Schock also voted against the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act and against repealing Don't Ask Don't Tell. Gonna blame that one on Obama and Hillary too? Oh no, he can't, because Obama signed both those bills. (Here is a timeline of Obama's evolution on marriage equality and LGBT rights.) Also, before Obama officially came out for marriage equality, his Justice Department went ahead and stopped defending the Defense of Marriage Act, and Aaron Schock did not like that:

"I think that it's important for us to follow the law of the land. And so I think if we're going to have a debate federally, like the president has started with him changing his position on gay marriage, then that's all fine and well," he said. "But, I think what's more harmful is that, no matter who the president is ... I don't think you just say to your chief law enforcement officer, the attorney general, 'Hey, don't enforce the law because I don't agree with it.'"

In 2012, Schock had a 94 percent rating with the American Family Association hate group, and a zero percent rating with the Human Rights Campaign. That's what he did, when he had some power.

It's great that Schock supports equality now that he's decided to come out, at long last.

But again, the words he's missing are "I'm sorry." After that follows action, because when your work — your life's work — has hurt people, you have a responsibility to at least try to fix it.

Congratulations on all the peen-tugs, Aaron. Now fucking do something.

[BuzzFeed]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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