You Guys, I Think We Are Going To Have To Pucker Up And Kiss Donald Trump's Fat Bulgy Ass

You Guys, I Think We Are Going To Have To Pucker Up And Kiss Donald Trump's Fat Bulgy Ass


I've been thinking about this a lot.

I think we have to pucker up and kiss Trump's ass.

We all know Donald Trump listens to whomever calls him smart, handsome, rich, and not a fucked-up, bullying, loser-at-everything, financially and morally bankrupt, physically hideous, illiterate, pathologically lying buffoon. He loooves those people. Putin called him "shiny," and he hasn't shut up about it for a year.

And we all also know Donald Trump couldn't give a foamy pig doot about any actual policy. He is a blank slate. How many abortions do you think he's personally paid for? (We say 19, minimum.) You think he hates fags? Nah. He lives in New York City, for christ's sake. Even Rudy Giuliani doesn't hate fags. He stood up for Planned Parenthood in the GOP primary debates, because fuck it, they do good work, and probably Ivanka likes them, what's the big deal? Let the little ladies get their breast exams. He LIKES breasts! A LOT!!!!1!

But what he does know is "enemies." And he wants to crush them, like "strong" "man" Vladimir Putin. His people are openly bragging about "enemy lists" while Wolf Blitzer sits there unconcerned like this is a totally normal thing for an American president to say and do. Paul Ryan? LOL, good luck buddy. NeverTrumpers? See ya in the gulag, pals. Whiny, cry-y, tearing our hair out and gin for breakfast Wonkers? He'd like to introduce a little thing called The Newer Better Way More Classier First Amendment, which now reads:

" ."

Trump as winner can be reasonably magnanimous. He wants to be a good king, and all the people to love him, and to go down in history as the greatest best classiest guy, not a gross rapey shithead, even though, fact, he is gross and rapey and his head is fashioned entirely of shit.

So how can we find someone with a silver tongue and a courtier's mien, who can keep his face straight while whispering suggestions that will make all the people love the good king?

I nominate former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright.

She is not exactly a "ten," in the Trump vein, but even at 114, she still has that feminine little girl voice, and she always used to talk about how being Secretary of State was just about flirting with obtuse idiots, and how it would trick them into going her way.

Madeleine Albright, lie for us! Act like you don't despise him with every fiber of your foot-tall person! Laugh at his jokes about ... we don't know, beating up black people and also executing them? HILARIOUS! (We're sorry, black people. We are really really really really really sorry.)

Feminine wiles him! And in return we can be like Sophie in Sophie's Choice when she is lovers with the camp ... general guy? and sometimes he lets her eat food and also not be murdered.

Oh my God I'm going to throw up.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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