You Might Not Have Noticed Because It Was Christmas, But Trump Was Insane This Weekend

You Might Not Have Noticed Because It Was Christmas, But Trump Was Insane This Weekend

The past two months might have you wondering why anyone thought it was a good idea to let a defeated incumbent president remain in power for what seems like a billion years. The founders, in their wisdom, probably assumed American voters would never foolishly elect a stone-cold sociopath. Well, the joke's on them. (Also, fun fact: the transition period used to last until March. Can you even imagine three more months of this?)

Donald Trump lost the presidential election last month and still refuses to accept this reality. He's actively tried to overturn a democratic election with baseless claims of voter fraud. Democracy (barely) withstood the stress test, and now Trump is lashing out because he can't have his Oompa Loompa presidency.

On the day after Christmas, a reformed Ebenezer Scrooge doubled Bob Cratchit's salary and promised to help his struggling family. This year, an irredeemable President Sore Loser Grinch attacked the Supreme Court, which has twice bounced his coup coup lawsuits.

Trump implies the Supreme Court isn't man enough to hear his bullshit. He swears he has absolute PROOF but they refuse to see it, just like most of America when the Gwyneth Paltrow version of Proof was released.

He keeps referring to “massive election fraud" in the 2020 Presidential Election rather than in the 2020 election as a whole, because Republicans down-ballot actually did better than expected. Trump suffers from a smorgasbord of paranoid delusions and probably believes it makes sense that Hugo Chavez's ghost and Skynet's voting machines would rig the election so that only he lost. (And Martha McSally, whose existence he's likely already forgotten.)

After endearing himself to the highest court in the land, Trump slagged on America in general. He tweeted about one of those conversations that takes place exclusively in his imagination.

President Bone Spurs might think military personnel are all “losers" and “suckers," but the overwhelming majority are patriots who actually love this shithole country. They wouldn't negatively compare the United States to Afghanistan, where the last presidential election was disputed for months and resulted in the sitting president and his rival sharing power to maintain peace. Maybe Trump considers that aspirational. If the Supreme Court won't give him the election, he'll consider sharing the presidency with Biden, who'll do all the work while Trump just golfs and pardons his corrupt friends.

It's still impossible to believe at times that Trump was ever actually president, so it's less shocking than it should be that the commander in chief would suggest an American election was no better than one in Afghanistan. During the 2016 GOP primary, Marco Rubio often accused Barack Obama of deliberately destroying the nation and trying to make it “more like the rest of the world." Rubio wasn't even talking about the developing world, but rather our European allies with their socialized medicine and metric system.

Rudy Giuliani claimed Obama didn't even like America. (Sure, he'd hook up with America but he'd never introduce the country to his friends.) Meanwhile, Trump drags the nation through the slime trail he leaves behind when he lumbers over the golf course.

This is one of my favorites. Trump is so deranged and oblivious to his own crimes that he seriously thinks US Attorney John Durham's inquest into the origins of the Russia investigation will prove his innocence and maybe that Melania really loves him. He's desperately swinging at the shadowy “they" — all his many enemies in politics, the media, and his hair salon — who conspired to hold him accountable for his actions and deny him re-election by persuading more people to vote for his opponent.

Trump also likes to put quotes around "Justice" Department, which again is just baffling behavior from an actual president and not some mobbed-up thug. The Law and Order president slams the FBI and claims it's done nothing about his election loss, which is not a real crime no matter how often Trump stamps his feet and shouts, “SCAM!" He also promotes what promises to be a white nationalist throwdown in Washington DC on January 6, when Joe Biden will beat Trump for like the 64th day in a row.

But hey, Trump could still work behind the scenes convincing Republicans in Congress to try to nullify the certified results of the Electoral College and keep him in power for another term. (We shouldn't put this past Republicans, who are all morally bankrupt, but Democrats still control the House.)

The problem is that Trump is the stupidest criminal alive. He sounds like a gibbering lunatic on the uptown A express train. If Mitch McConnell thought he could squeeze some more judges out of Trump for another four years, he might run with something that actually made sense, but these Kraken leads are weak.

McConnell called Trump's presidency on December 15 when he congratulated Biden and used the forbidden words “president-elect." And when Trump tried to make a scene over the COVID-19 stimulus bill, demanding $2,000 checks instead of $600, McConnell showed him the back of his hand. Moscow Mitch is treating Trump like a lame duck. He might as well get to quacking.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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