We know a few things about Donald Trump's bunglefucked response to the novel coronavirus. For example, we know he's been extorting governors the same way he extorted the president of Ukraine, except instead of his "favor, though" being that he needs them to help him beat Joe Biden in November, he's demanding praise and nut-fondling. (To be fair, we don't know that he isn't hitting them up for fake oppo on Biden.)

But there have been times when things have been reported about the Trump response to coronavirus, and if you like Trump, you might think the FakeStream Media is laming all over him, like when it was reported a few weeks back (few months? few decades?) that on a call with the governors, Trump told them that if they need ventilators and PPE, they should "try getting it yourselves." In that case, knowing Trump's tone and (botched) manner of speaking so well, we were willing to believe maybe he was saying that if the governors could have an easier time than the federal government, then they should do it themselves. And the recording did indeed bear that out. Well, except that the federal government was actually bidding against them.

Oh yeah, and he appears to be telling vendors not to send states supplies if their governors have not adequately kissed his extremely gross butt.

It helps to hear recordings of Trump doing his Art Of The Deal-ing, we think. And CBS News last night released a new leaked recording of a call that happened with the governors on Monday. You should listen to it, so you can feel what America's governors feel in their souls when they deal with the stupidest, most incompetent, most impervious-to-new-or-old-information national leader who has ever walked God's green earth. In the middle of a global pandemic, no less!


In the recording, you hear Democratic Montana Governor Steve Bullock explain to Dr. Anthony Fauci that he's really trying to get Montana prepared, but that his ability to procure much-needed supplies keeps getting "trumped" by the federal government:

"I could give four or five examples over the last week where we have supply orders, and they've subsequently been cancelled, and they're canceled in part because what our suppliers are saying is that federal resources are requesting it and trumping that," Bullock said.

And Bullock says "we're going to have some real problems" if they can't get the tests they need, citing one county in particular, Gallatin County, where Bozeman, Montana, is. His point is they don't have what they need for testing and they can't seem to get it.

Trump, though? Well, he hasn't heard about any testing problems lately, and if he hasn't heard it, must not exist! If you ever wondered if Trump talked in private like he does in public, if he jerks himself off into a lather begging for attention and praise; if you ever wondered if maybe some of that was bluster, part of his act, and if you hoped maybe he might be more competent than he lets on, we hate to be a Bad News Bear, but ...

"I haven't heard about testing in weeks. We've tested more now than any nation in the world. We've got these great tests and we'll come out with another one tomorrow that's, you know, almost instantaneous testing. But I haven't heard anything about testing being a problem."

Jesus Christ.

If you are a living, breathing human being in the United States right now, you at least should be marginally aware that, though America is testing more now in some places — thanks, blue state New York! — our testing regime has been a fucking joke, and that that failure is a large part of why were are currently having the worst coronavirus outbreak in the world. South Korea said, "Look, here is how we flattened our curve so fast, by actually figuring out where the hell the virus was, and that meant testing asymptomatic people and random people. You should do that maybe!" Meanwhile in America, people coughing their actual dicks off haven't been able to get tested, because they didn't fit the criteria on some idiot's arbitrary list.

Point is, Donald Trump's response there is not only sub-presidential, it's sub-the average human being who wakes up in the morning in the United States.

This is what they're dealing with. That is our whole point here. The governors, who are having to act as 50 individual presidents in the absence of actual leadership from the United States government, this is what they are dealing with. And it's not just Democratic governors, either -- Mike DeWine and Larry Hogan, both Republican governors, bemoaned the lack of testing in their states on Tuesday morning, after they were on that call with Trump.

Don't worry, though, the My Pillow guy is on the case and he's gonna make some My Pillow safety masks and read you some My Pillow Bible to make you feel better, so it'll all be OK:

We are so monumentally fucked.

[CBS News]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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