You Want Trump-Russia Investigation Updates? We Have Trump-Russia Investigation Updates! YOU CLICK HERE NOW.

For reals

On Tuesday, the big news was that Donald Trump's goon lawyer Michael Cohen has become a focus of the congressional investigations into Trump's fun connections and probable collusion with Russia to influence the 2016 election. When he got the news, Cohen was like "SAYS WHO?" because that is a thing he says with his word hole. He told the Senate and House intelligence committees that he was declining their "invitation to participate," as if they were asking him if he wanted to play Monopoly with them. Before that, the nation was CONSUMED WITH OMG over how delicate and innocent Jared Kushner is now being looked at in the FBI's investigation, because of his sexxxy bathtub meetings with the Russian ambassador.

Is there news this week on ALL THE OTHER Trump people who are caught up in Trump-Russia-Gate? We are glad you asked! Let's tick through the latest Trump-Russia news to find out who's hot, who's not, who's getting subpoenas delivered directly up their fannies, who's getting peed on by Russian pee hookers, and who is GOING TO JAIL RIGHT NOW. (Spoiler: Nobody is going to jail right now because Jesus Christ, these things sure do take a long time.)

  • Trump lawyer Michael Cohen told Congress to fuck off, so the House Intelligence Committee has gone ahead and stuck a subpoena up his ass to see how he likes that. Ooh, we think he likes it! (SAYS WHO?)
  • It is time for BORIS! Do you remember Boris Epshteyn, who was the only openly Russian person working in the White House, until he got You're Fired for being such a dick that even Fox News hated him? Anyway, the House Intel Committee would like to talk to him too. They are probably just discriminating against him because he is Russian.
  • Both intelligence committees have asked literal actual foreign agent/disgraced former national security adviser Michael Flynn VERY NICELY to turn over his dirty documents and testify, but he's been bellyaching for months now about wanting immunity. He refused to hand over documents on his business dealings with (insert antagonistic foreign nation here), so the Senate Intel Committee was like, "Perhaps you would like us to throat-cram you with this subpoena." But Flynn spat out the subpoena and said he was taking the Fifth, because it was super unfair to make him hand over guilty documents that might make him look guilty. In response, the intel committees said, "Fine, we will stop doing subpoenas directly on your body, and we will instead subpoena your businesses, because it's pretty tough for businesses to plead the Fifth." That seems to have worked, at least in part, because he's about to start turning shit over to the Senate Intelligence Committee, though we suspect he'll probably try to withhold all the really incriminating stuff.
  • Do you recall Carter Page, the weirdo queeny dude who's been doing business with Russia FOREVER, who shows up all over the Steele Dossier, and who was some sort of foreign policy adviser to the Trump campaign? The FBI found his Russian ties so suspicious that it successfully got a FISA warrant against him last year, but Page thinks the fact he's implicated in these investigations is part of a hate crime orchestrated against him by Hillary Clinton. He is a TOTALLY NORMAL GUY. Anyway, Donald Trump has been tweeting about him today:

    Oh Donald, you ignorant slut. Here is MSNBC's Kyle Griffin, with the ACTUAL NEWS about Page:

    You see, Carter Page, a very silly and dumb boy whom Russian spies were trying to recruit as far back as 2013, wants to tell his story SO BAD. Unfortunately, a "U.S. intelligence official" said back in April that "There's so many people that are more relevant" to this investigation than stupidhead Carter Page. So it sounds like, contra idiot Trump's early morning poop-tweet, Page wouldn't be "blowing away" the "false or misleading testimony" from James Comey or John Brennan, because he's a Loser McNoFriends who might be totally worthless. We shall see! Also, didn't the Trump White House used to act like they had NO IDEA who Carter Page even was? Now suddenly Trump thinks Page can BLOW IT ALL WIDE OPEN? Which is it, Trump White House? Here are Joe and Mika, to break all that down for ya:

  • SPEAKING OF COMEY THOUGH: The former FBI director is not one of Trump's Russian BFFs, but he's part of the investigation now because of how it looks like Trump was trying to obstruct justice with him, first by trying to win his loyalty and pressuring him to shut down the FBI's investigation into Trump-Russia, and later by firing him. (And Comey KEPT THE RECEIPTS.USA Todayreports that Comey and special prosecutor Robert Mueller (who have a LONG history) are in talks about when Comey will get to testify before the Senate Intel Committee. So, YAY! That means he will be able to testify eventually (maybe as early as next week!), and it will be MUST SEE TV.

So there you go. You are now updated on what's up with the Russia investigations, and now you can look smart in front of your scrapbooking club or lady synchronized swimming team, when you tell them all the information we just told you.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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