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2014 was the year when Senator Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) officially renounced his Canadian citizenship and became a true American. It was also the year when Cruz made his first successful title defense of Wonkette's coveted Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). How else did Ted save the soul of America this year? Let's Wonksplore!

Last year, Cruz made national headlines by missing the point of Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor. His inability to grasp the moral of a children's book helped engineer a federal government shutdown that shaved about $23 billion off GDP, so the chattering classes predicted that Cruz would shut up in 2014 while his party got down to the serious business of governing, lest voters punish them in the midterms.


Have you stopped laughing yet? Okay, great! When the dust had settled, Cruz resumed doing what he does best: concern-trolling Obamacare. In April, he took to MyFacePlace to ask America how much they hated Obummercare, and things did not go as planned! Here's our favorite part of Herr Doktor Zoom's write-up.

There are a few replies like the woman who informs him that “When the government gives you something, they own you. This is not a good thing” or the guy who says the comment can’t be from a small businessman, because all liberals are against small business — which drew some trolling of its own:

"im a liberal and the only thing i hate more than small business is a gun owner or people who speak english!!! garrrr!!! sharia law!! hail our muslim overlord obama!!!!!"

But perhaps we are being unkind to Senator Anchor Baby — perhaps he truly does not understand technology, and his Senate office lacks the resources to hire anyone with a passing knowledge of the Internetz. We cannot rule out this possibility, because this year, intentionally or not, it became clear that Cruz would challenge Ted Stevens for the title of least-tech-savvy Senator in history.

Or maybe the Harvard-trained Cruz knows exactly what he's talking about, and it's all a cynical attempt to manipulate idiots out in the sticks. Unpossible, we say! The words "Ted Cruz" and "craven opportunist" just don't sound right together, least not as far as Yr Wonket is concerned.

How else did Tailgunner Ted (h/t Charlie Pierce) undermine our faith in the principles of self-government this year? Well, there was that time when Cruz lawsplained that he is the sole arbiter of the true meaning of the Constitution. Here's the virile and handsome Gary Legum summarizing Cruz's statement in the wake of the Supreme Court's refusal to declare gay people separate but not-quite-equal.

Then Sen. Ted Cruz stepped into the void. Good old Winnipeg Ted, we knew we could count on him to bring the crazy.

"This is judicial activism at its worst. The Constitution entrusts state legislatures, elected by the People, to define marriage consistent with the values and mores of their citizens. Unelected judges should not be imposing their policy preferences to subvert the considered judgments of democratically elected legislatures."

How about federal judges appointed by presidents who were elected by the people? Do they count? Yr Wonkette just hates this bad-faith argument. This blithering hunk of Canadian bacon knows damn well that one function of our judiciary is to determine whether laws pass constitutional muster. And if he doesn’t know it, Harvard Law School should refund his tuition.

These kinds of "arguments" — if you want to call them that, and we don't — play well in Peoria, but they've won Cruz no friends in Washington. Bob Dole came out in April to tell America that as far as Bob Dole is concerned, Bob Dole doesn't care for Ted Cruz...Bob Dole. Norm Ornstein declared that he'd "never seen a guy so despised by a vast majority of his caucus." Hill staffers proclaimed Cruz the Senate's biggest showhorse, its most clueless Republican member (stiff competition!), the upper chamber's biggest disappointment, and, crushingly, "Worst at the Ask." In Capitol-speak, that's the equivalent of being told that you can't sit with us because we wear pink on Wednesdays.

And with that kind of unstoppable momentum behind him, Cruz eked out a narrow victory in the Republican Leadership Conference's 2016 straw poll. Second place was taken by a man who has never held political office in his life. The Aristocrats!

What else, what else... oh! Right! Ted Cruz's articles of INPEECH!!1! In case you sheeple still haven't opened your eyes, let us remind you of some of the things that Harvard-trained lawyer Ted Cruz considers high crimes and misdemeanors.

  • President Obama told NASA administrator to “find a way to reach out to the Muslim world.”
  • Reneged on a campaign promise to cut the deficit in half by the end of his first term in office.
  • Former “safe schools czar” has written about his past drug abuse and advocated promoting homosexuality in schools.
  • Actively aided in George Zimmerman protests.
  • Shut down an Amish farm for selling fresh unpasteurized milk across state lines.

Thank you, Senator Cruz, for reminding us that presidents are simply not allowed to break campaign promises. It has never happened before in all of American history, and we challenge all you vile Wonkette scum and George H.W. Bush to prove us wrong.

Cruz also managed to take a swing at all those blahs in Mississippi who had the temerity to cast a vote, the (uppity) nerve of some people! He "suggested" that Democrats drop their "faith fines," which made Kaili very Mad About A Thing. He got booed offstage in September. He performed the dance of the seven veils and kept America titillated regarding his presidential aspirations. And like any good fake-tough-guy, he talked a big game about standing up to Mitch McConnell, then snuggled up to Senator Turtle when the time came. Finally, just this month, Cruz found new and inventive ways to piss off members of his own caucus and allow the confirmation of Obama's Surgeon General/Death Camp Overseer, Dr. Vivek Murthy.

This level of accomplishment is not easy to sustain over a full Senate term, but the great ones always find a way. Congratulations, Senator Cruz, on the first of what will probably many successfully defenses of the coveted Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award (National Division). Before the new year arrives, Yr Wonket would like to thank the great state of Texas. Thanks to your wisdom, foresight, and vision, we all get four more years with Calgary Ted, even if he doesn't win the White House in 2016. Which he might! So that'll be fun.

Follow Dan on Twitter.

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