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We have THREE WINNERS in our daily "Donald Trump is the stupidest person who ever fucking existed" contest! Yay! Failing Barack Obama never managed to be this stupid this many times in one week, WHAT A FAILURE! Bet he failed in all 57 states, HAW HAW HAW HAW!

Let us briefly tack through them:


WINNER!

First up, there is the thing where he said that Hurricane Florence is a "tough hurricane, one of the wettest we've ever seen, from the standpoint of water." Yes, Mister President, VERY GOOD! If you're talking in terms of wetness, Hurricane Florence was pretty wet, like a Russian golden shower FROM GOD!

Rub-a-dub-dub!

Here, watch for yourself, in case you had never heard the #ScienceFact about water being wet:

WINNER!

Trump's next stupidest thing he ever said this week wasn't actually from this week, but was first reported this week by Spanish Foreign Minister Josep Borrell, who revealed that Donald Trump had a REALLY GOOD IDEA for how to fix the migrant crisis in Europe, and it is to BUILD A WALL ACROSS THE SAHARA DESERT.

And the Mexicans will pay for it!

OK we're lying about the Mexicans part, but we're sure President Good Brain thought it:

Donald Trump suggested the Spanish government tackled the Mediterranean migration crisis by emulating one of his most famous policies and building a wall across the Sahara desert, the country's foreign minister has revealed.

It gets stupider. Gonna need you to sit firmly in your chair and hold on to something sturdy, because it gets stupider.

According to Josep Borrell, the US president brushed off the scepticism of Spanish diplomats – who pointed out that the Sahara stretched for 3,000 miles – saying: "The Sahara border can't be bigger than our border with Mexico."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my god CAN WE PLEASE PUT HIM IN A HOME NOW?

Barring that, could we put him in a fucking library or something, and refuse to let President Wonder Pubes out until he can prove he's read a book? Because any 5th grade geography student could tell you Africa is like SUPER FUCKING HUGE.

The Guardian explains some #GeographyFacts:

A similar plan in the Sahara, however, would be complicated by the fact that Spain holds only two small enclaves in north Africa – Ceuta and Melilla – and such a wall would have to be built on foreign territory.

Ceuta's border with Morocco is 6.4 kilometers long. Melilla's border is, similarly, like really non-YOOGE.

The Sahara Desert, meanwhile, is almost 3,000 miles long (4,800 kilometers), whereas the Mexican border with the United States is just under 2,000 miles. But still good try, Mister President! Or the opposite of that!

Borrell told this very funny story this week at a lunch event, and the foreign ministry has confirmed it, while the media is surmising that Trump probably said this very dumb shit when the king and queen of Spain came to visit the White House.

CHICKEN DINNER!

POP QUIZ: Why is Donald Trump ordering the declassification of all these documents related to the ONGOING RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, which would endanger national security all in the name of protecting his own ass? Well, first of all, we know it is for the "protecting his own ass" reason we just mentioned. And we know it's because he's being manipulated by shitholes like Mark Meadows and Devin Nunes in the House of Representatives. (Hit that link for the whole story, if you need to catch up.)

But in the full transcript of that batshit crazy interview he did for The Hill, there is buried a nugget of information about who Trump really takes orders from. Please meet the real national security adviser and the real secretary of State and the real syphilis inside the president's brain (ALLEGEDLY) and their names are Sean Hannity, Lou Dobbs and Jeanine Pirro.

[I]t's been totally discredited. Even Democrats agree, that it's been discredited. They are not going to admit that, but it's been totally discredited. And I think frankly more so by text than by documents. I think the texts, not only theirs, many others. So honestly Buck, I have been asked by so many people that I respect, please — the great Lou Dobbs, the great Sean Hannity, the wonderful great Jeanie Pirro. (laughs)

No, she takes it so personally. And that's not, let's say they like me. But this is beyond liking me. They know that this is one of the great scandals in the history of our country. Because basically what they did, is they used Carter Page who nobody even knew, who I feel very badly for, I think he has been treated very badly. They used Carter Page as a foil in order to surveil a candidate for the presidency of the United States.

And that's part of why he is ordering that the FBI and DOJ declassify documents and possibly endanger secret informants' lives and other sources and methods. For real.

Because VERY SMART PEOPLE, whom Trump literally thinks are the great minds of America -- pause for a second to realize how low your IQ would have to be to think those people had "great minds," and how many open flesh wounds you would have in your crotch from thinking your underpants might be a good place to store fireworks for safekeeping -- told him to.

Wonder why The Hill didn't really want to publicize that quote too loudly. Seems like that's kind of newsy, no? That the president of the United States is literally operating not only as a puppet of Vladimir Putin, but that the hands of Hannity, Dobbs and Pirro are also up inside Trump's leaky ass, directing his every move.

Be afraid, America. Be very fucking afraid.

AND VOTE IN NOVEMBER, GODDAMMIT.

[The Guardian / The Hill]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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