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Wonkette Toddler is not in New York, we regret to inform you.


Oh hey, Wonkers, it is Top Ten time, and we are going to make this even more faster than usual (we ALWAYS say that) because we are in New York right now. Perhaps you have noticed we've been out a few days this month! Part of that is because we always take a bunch of our days in May -- May and September and December, if you want to plan for our absences -- and part of it is because we decided to come to New York this week like a common person who does fancy things like go to New York. But we are still here, during our excursion, typin' at you!

Anyway, we will count down your top ten posts in a sec.

First, let's pay the bills, because those are important. You see, we have no ads, therefore all our operating expenses and all our salaries are paid by YOU! Yes, you right there, and you really are looking nice today. Wonkette is taking on new writers and trying to give raises to the ones who work eleventy-three hours a week already to tell you amazing stories, and we want to be able to do this MORE AND MORE, especially now that it's 2018 and we have a chance to TAKE THIS COUNTRY BACK! Or at least Congress!

So please please please sign up to do monthly donations, so we can grow and grow! Will you do that? They can be small monthly donations, medium monthly donations, or YOOGE monthly donations. It takes all kinds! We even take thousand dollar and million dollar donations, OR MONTHLY MILLION THOUSAND DOLLAR SUBSCRIPTIONS, like if you are a secret famous celebrity fan of Wonkette! Seriously, if you are able -- DO NOT MONEY US IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT -- then pull out your wallet and sign up to throw money on our face every month! You can also pull out an envelope and stamp and send money to Wonkette, PO Box 361, Polson MT 59860. Whatever, just please support us any way you can.

Another way you can do that is to BUY WONKETTE SWAG! There MANY products in Ye Olde Wonkette Generale Store! You are interested in purchasing them all!

Look, it's the traditional Wonkette Baby Donation Pressure Lion Of Cuteness, encouraging you to throw your wallets at us OW OW OW YOUR WALLET IS HEAVY LIKE A BRICK:

YOU CANNOT EVEN RIGHT NOW

Did we mention we love you?

We shall now count down the top 10 stories of the week, chosen as usual by Beyoncé:

1. Everyone Mourns Differently. Father Of Texas School Shooter Mourns Like A Dick. CHRIST, what an asshole.

2. Portal To Hell Opens In White House Lawn. Obama Never Had One Of Those. GOD, ARE YOU SPEAKING TO US RIGHT NOW?

3. A Royal Wedding Of Blacktacularness! ALL THE FEELS!

4. 10 Dead In Santa Fe School Shooting, But Don’t Worry, The Guns Are Safe. Yes, again.

5. BBQing While Black: Charcoal Grilling White Racial Aggression. CELEBRATE!

6. Deleted Comments: Are All You Diversity Supremacists Inbread Or Just Jewish? INBREAD.

7. Texas Shooter Had History Of Harassing Girls Who Weren’t Interested In Him. Imagine That. That's right, Robyn had to write this post AGAIN.

8. Let’s Drink The Sweet Delicious Nazi Tears About Meghan Markle, Queen Of You! Nazi tears are the sweetest tears, according to science.

9. The Week In Garbage Men: Food Network Idiot Claims ‘Straight White Man’ Is The New N-Word, Gets Ratioed To Oblivion. Jesus God.

10. Just When You Thought Michael Cohen Couldn’t Be Any Stupider, ALONG COMES THE ONION! He can ALWAYS get stupider.

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OK here are some pictures of New York. This is the first damn thing we saw when the wheels hit the ground:

Guess they can't afford to gas it up, so it just sits out there at the airport looking like an idiot.

Here is some SHAWARMA "PITZA" we got at a lovely little place in Cobble Hill called Zaytoons:

We have only begun to eat our entire weight in food on this trip, by the way.

Here, in Brooklyn, is the original place where the FAILING NEW YORK TIMES was published:

And finally, here's something we just caught on a stroll the other night:

Purty, ain't it?

Anyway, more pictures when we have them, if we remember to take them.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

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