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Your Wonkette Primer On The Ryan Plan And How It Will Murder America as We Know It

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Congrats, Amercia, Mitt Romney picked a VP, and it is Paul Ryan. Of course, dear reader, you are probably already aware of the fact that you loathe Paul Ryan but are unsure about why, exactly. This might leave you confused, and possibly angry. Do you hate him because of his smug countenance,  you wonder? Or perhaps the prep-school pretty-boy yearbook-picture good looks? But, no, it has nothing to do with either of those things, and is instead probably because of the Ryan Plan, although you're fuzzy on the details. It will destroy America, you know, but HOW exactly? Privatization something something big government and liberty and blah blah blah, of course, but this is the GOP answer to everything, so what makes this plan SPECIAL? Luckily, your Wonkette is here to tell you about the Ryan Plan, what's Special about it, and why you hate it.


Corporate Tax Rate: the plan cuts the tax rate for Incorporated Americanss from 35% to 25%. Will this make Grover Norquist cry, given that most large Incorporated Americans currently either pay no taxes, or get money back from the government? No, it will not make him cry, because it only pretend closes a lot of tax loopholes (otherwise known as "the corporate tax code") and thus probably does not actually change the tax rate for Incorporated Americans in anything other than theory.

Taxes for Non-Incorporated Americans: the plan creates two tax brackets: 25% and 10%. You enter the 25% tax bracket if you’re an individual making $50,000 or a joint filer or family with an income of $100,000, which means that an individual making $50,000 per year will pay the same tax rate as multi-millionaire Mitt Romney (in the event that multi-millionaire Mitt Romney deigns to pay taxes, that is, which as we know, he may or may not.) This, of course, raises taxes on the middle class (a.k.a, "one medical emergency away from being Poors") but taxes only count when they are levied on Job Creators, so we can breathe a sigh of relief about that.

Health Insurance: Those who purchase health insurance get a non-taxable sum of $2300 in the beginning of the year, unless they are on military health plans or Medicare and joint filers get $5700 for the entire family.

Medicaid:  Medicaid benefits would be paid via debit cards from a bank,  thus allowing the banks to charge fees to Poors even though they may not even have bank accounts. Medicaid would also be given as block grants (as opposed to matching-grants) so about 14 million would lose their Medicaid coverage on the plan. These 14 million are probably sick, disabled, or Poors, which has raised the ire of a bunch of uppity nuns who seem to have forgotten that their mission is less about helping Poors than lecturing about sluts and buttseks.  Paul Ryan has that effect on people, we guess.

Non-military spending: anything that is not “military spending,” such as foreign aid, assistance to veterans and federal funding for schools and roads would be cut by over two-thirds.

Health Insurance: the Ryan Plan sets up "health insurance exchanges," which allow insurance companies to reach across state lines and screw you, instead of being limited to screwing residents within state lines.

Medicare: if you become eligible for Medicare prior to January 1, 2021, you can still “retire” at 65; otherwise you have to “retire” at 67. By “retire” we mean “continuing to work until you’re 80 and then dying.”   Medicare will consist of “standard payments” for health care coverage. These “standard payments” are the average amount that Medicare spends per beneficiary, unless you make $80,000 per year or more, in which case you get half that. Also, it will be “geographically adjusted” at first but then they’ll phase that out at some point. Unlike the 2010 version of the plan, the 2012 plan allows Olds to stay on Medicare if they REALLY REALLY want to, but they will have to purchase it using these standard payments, and it will cost them more than if traditional Medicare was left in place.

Social Security: are you feeling left out, Social Security beneficiaries? Don’t, because you’re in here too! In the Ryan Plan, Social Security becomes an opt-out system wherein you’re given a personal account to which you contribute annually, administered by a Social Security Savings Account Board, and then when you retire, you get payments from your account in the form of an annuity.

So in summary, the Ryan Plan will privatize anything and everything, raise your taxes if you make over $50,000 per year, cut them if you make over $200,000 per year, and end Medicare and Medicaid as we know it.

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