You're Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion
God's financial analyst.
Just like all U.S. Americans, Pat Robertson woke up Monday morning to news that the stock market is kinda batshit right now. It's plunging! Then rallying, kind of! Then dipping again! By the time you read this, only Jesus knows what it'll be doing, which is why Grandpa Pat takes comfort in What A Friend He Has In Jesus. Now, you might have gotten on the internet and Googled, "Why the hell is the stock market being bad?" And you might have found articles like this here thingamajig explainer in Slate, which says China's stock market and currency are tanking and taking the rest of the world with them. And if you're a common godless liberal, you believe it, like A Idiot.
Early in Monday's "700 Club" broadcast, Pat got the news in his ear (either from a producer or from God, depending on which ear) about how the Dow was plunging, and he remembered he had just read this prophetic book about how the Bible says global financial markets are going to go all apeshit in September. He said, as televangelists and WorldNetDaily reporters typically do, that the only safe earthly investment is gold (not true, according to that Slate-splainer we linked above!). Laughing to himself, he seemed excited that the prophecy book he read was right and concluded, "There's no place to hide financially, except in the Lord." Yeah, because know what's NOT fluctuating wildly today? JESUS.
But later, he went off the rails, connecting Monday's stock issues to, duh, abortion, because guess it's time for God to use the Chinese financial markets to punish America for all the unborned babies:
To take your money and my money, which the government extorts from us every year in the form of taxation, is nothing short of tyranny! ... We're getting taxed and the left is saying we're going to give it to an organization that is repugnant to most Americans. And the president has basically said if you take that out of the budget ... I will shut the government down. Now that's how strong he feels about funding the murder of unborn babies.
OBAMA LOVES KILLING BABIES SO MUCH, like almost as much as mom jeans and golf. (Also, sidenote fun fact: Pat is dead wrong because, as you know, Americans lovvvvvvve Planned Parenthood and want to give it all their tax dollars and gay-marry it and have its babies.)
And here in America, we have been complicit in terminating the lives of in excess of 50 million precious unborn children. And don't you think Almighty God is going to hold us accountable for that? We will pay dearly as a nation for this thing going on. And possibly, if we were to stop all this slaughter, the judgment of God might be lifted from us. But it's coming, ladies and gentlemen. We just have a little taste of it, in terms of the financial system, but it's going to get shaken to its core in the next few months, years, or however long it takes. And it will hurt every one of us. It's coming down the road, but at least we could repent and try to change. But the Congress has got to override a presidential veto, and if Obama sides with that he is siding with murder!
Cue dramatic Right Wing Watch music, which, considering the holy gravitas of Pat's voice during this diatribe, reminds us a little bit of "Law And Order."
So yeah, abortion has been legal in all of America since 1973, but God's judgment is starting now, with whatever's happening in the stock market, and it's going to get worser and worser until Obama stops eating 50 million "precious" unborned babies for breakfast every day.
And now you understand the global financial system.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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