Fox News Finds One Dude In Building Creepy Enough To Stick In Tucker's Slot

Wonkette correctly prophecies the news again.

Far be it from us toNEAR BE IT TO US TO BRAG, but we do believe we called it on May 3, 2023, when we wrote the post "Jesse Watters Can Tell Who's 'Illegal' Just By Looking At Them, So He's Replacing Tucker, Right?" 

And we typed:

For our money, the only current Fox personality who is smarmy and disgusting and creepy and racist and eagerly displays his masculinity issues with a joie de vivre that even approaches Tucker's is Jesse Watters. Hunnerd percent. There is nobody else, assuming Fox wants to stick with its current business model for 8 p.m.

And we typed:

Tell us that if Watters didn't borrow some of Tucker's stable of white supremacist writers they couldn't write him some store-brand Tucker-style monologues and have him fluffed and ready by next week.

And we typed:

 Dude literally bragged that he tricked his now-wife into getting into his car with him by letting the air out of her tires.

Tucker's white supremacist misogynist human trash audience is going to love him, congratulations on your new job, Jesse!

Was Wonkette the first to congratulate Jesse Watters on his new job? Perhaps-olutely!

Anyway, he got the job. He's perfect. He's even ready on day one to shit all over innocent Ukrainians and take Russia's side. 

But oh goodness, all these other shakeups in the Fox News primetime lineup!

— (@)  

Let's go through this. First of all, let us note how utterly Fox News just screwed Laura Ingraham out of the primetime lineup. Before this she was at 10, when the geriatric diaper-bound viewers were passing out in their chairs and leaving the TV on and being counted as "viewers" for "King of Late Night" Greg Gutfeld, who came on at 11. It was so pathetic how Gutfeld clung to that title like a Bible or a gun. As if he was actually poaching viewers from real late-night comedy hosts.

But back to Ingraham, she'll be on at 7, and you know what happens at 7? That's right, it's PRIME PUDDIN' EATIN' TIME in the dining room at the senior home, and you know what we watch during PRIME PUDDIN' EATIN' TIME? "Wheel Of Fortune" for fucks sake! Though we hope they don't replace that nice young Pat Sajak boy with a woke mob.

Gutfeld moves into Ingraham's earlier slot, so we guess a few of his fans might see the first few minutes of his show before they pass out confused about where Laura went.

Speaking of Greg, when we correctly prophecied — suck our dicks, John writing from exile on the Isle of Patmos — that Jesse Watters would be receiving Tucker's sloppy seconds, we made a joke about why Greg would not be getting the job:

We guess they could give Tucker's job to Greg Gutfeld, who whined this week that "wokeism is every bit as racist as white nationalism," but he's getting a little past his sell-by date and quite frankly doesn't have the range or the look. Also just such a try-hard.

Correct.

Hannity stays in the same timeslot, who cares.

Ingraham out of primetime! Gutfeld out of late night!

Watters going home MUCH LATER to the woman whose tires he let the air out of as part of his ploy to convince her to date him! (They are matrimonied now.)

It all starts July 17.

 The Washington Post notes that this all comes as Fox News has been completely hemorrhaging viewers ever since they fired Tucker. They've even been getting beaten by MSNBC this month. We're sure this will completely turn their primetime fortunes around. What's hotter than the 1-2-3 punch of three of the most mediocre white guys God ever shat out of heaven?

Anyway, the point of this post is that Wonkette gave Jesse Watters Tucker's old timeslot first. For the sake of fairness, we'll note that Drudge got it almost exactly right a few weeks later when he reported that Watters and Gutfeld were going to primetime, which at the very least suggested that Ingraham was not part of the primetime lineup anymore.

At around the same time there were rumors on the internet that Ingraham was actually getting fired. Naw. Just heavily demoted. Ha ha.

In summary and in conclusion, congratulations to Laura Ingraham on her new job as Fox News janitor.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

Just got to BlueSky! 

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