You know, if the House January 6 Select Committee is going to announce surprise hearings that fuck up our entire day, it would be nice if those hearings weren't so very zzzzzzzzzzz.

Like come on, what American president hasn't lunged from the backseat toward the front seat of the Beast AKA the presidential limo and grabbed at the steering wheel with their tiny meaty chunky ugly little pockmarked frontal beef hooves because they were mad the Secret Service wouldn't drive them to the Capitol to overthrow the United States government?

Fuck off, they all do that.

Today's witness, Cassidy Hutchinson, who was Chief of Staff Mark Meadows's right-hand person, may have been in the room for all of it, but doesn't sound like she saw that much.

OK fine, she was able to testify about all the times Donald Trump flung his lunch dishes at the wall in his private dining room because he was upset, and how she helped wipe the ketchup off the wall, and how he also liked to do that thing where you take the whole tablecloth, dishes and all, and just dramatically throw it all on the floor, which is basically cartoon slapstick we really didn't think real people did in real life.

Totally normal presidential behavior. We bet Hillary would have done that if the Trump campaign hadn't conspired with Russians to steal that election.

OK but real talk though.


"I hardly know who this person, Cassidy Hutchinson, is, other than I heard very negative things about her." That's the response from Donald Trump to this testimony from Hutchinson. This is strange, because as Liz Cheney demonstrated during the hearing, she was so close to the action she probably can differentiate between Trump's "needs to poop" and "just pooped" and "pooping right now" waddles. Cheney showed pictures of Hutchinson with congressmen like Jim Jordan and Matt Gaetz and Steve Scalise and Kevin McCarthy, and then showed pictures with Meadows and other White House folks. You could see into the Oval Office from her office.

When Hutchinson got back to the West Wing after Trump's speech at the Ellipse on January 6, she found out what had just happened in The Beast as Trump was taking the same ride. She got the scoop in Mark Meadows's office, from Tony Ornato, the Secret Service guy who was at that time the deputy chief of staff for operations. Trump wanted to go to the Capitol so bad. But the Secret Service, whose job it is to tell the president to fuck off when they can't guarantee his security — Jonathan Turley, you stupid, stupid piece of shit — wouldn't let him go.

"I'm the fucking president, take me up to the Capitol now!" And he lunged at the steering wheel. "Sir, you need to take your hand off the steering wheel," said Bobby Engel, his driver.

But they had been telling him repeatedly that he couldn't go, and people in the White House were desperately trying to forestall the possibility. On the morning of January 6, Hutchinson testified, White House Counsel Pat Cipollone kind of cornered her as they were leaving, like please oh please do not let a Capitol field trip happen. Said they would get "charged with every crime imaginable" if they went.

Trump was reportedly furious there were magnetometers at his speech, and that they weren't letting all these people in who were armed to the teeth with various and sundry dangerous weapons. He knew they weren't there to hurt him. And then he told them to all go to the Capitol. Oh, but he said "peacefully" that one time! Yes, to all those people he knew were outfitted for combat.

And when he said during his speech that he was going to the Capitol too, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy called Hutchinson freaking out. She reassured him that wasn't happening, but he was pissed Trump had said it nonetheless.

And then the incident in the limo.

"I noticed the head of Mr. Trump's security detail sitting in a chair, looking somewhat discombobulated, a little lost," Hutchinson testified. "I looked at Tony, he said, 'Did you hear what happened?' I said, 'No, Tony, I just got back, what happened?'

Big mad happened.

It's not like temper tantrums were uncommon with the Wailing-And-Shitting-Baby-In-Chief. Hutchinson testified that when Trump read that Associated Press interview with Bill Barr, the one in December 2020 when Barr said there was no significant election fraud, that Trump literally threw his whole lunch at the wall. She heard it happen, because again, her office was really fuckin' close.

"I first noticed there was ketchup dripping down the wall and there was a shattered porcelain plate on the floor," she said. "The valet had articulated that the president was extremely angry at the Attorney General's AP interview and had thrown his lunch against the wall."

She helped clean up.

Which is weird, because Trump hardly knew who she was, so why would SHE have to clean it up? Here's more of Trump's reaction to today's festivities:

"Her Fake story that I tried to grab the steering wheel of the White House Limousine in order to steer it to the Capitol Building is 'sick' and fraudulent, very much like the Unselect Committee itself - Wouldn't even have been possible to do such a ridiculous thing. Her story of me throwing food is also false…and why would SHE have to clean it up, I hardly knew who she was?"

Exactly. For more of Trump saying things about this person he's never met doing extremely unselect and sick and fraudulent testimonies, you may click here. We'd paste his remarks here, but this website isn't trashy enough to reprint Truth Social.

Anything else interesting come out of this testimony?


  • Michael Flynn pleaded the Fifth when asked if he believes in the peaceful transfer of power. So that is just a Tucker Carlson confused golden retriever face!
  • Everybody knew about the terrorists screaming "Hang Mike Pence!" Meadows told Cipollone that Trump thought Pence deserved it, and that the rioters inside the Capitol were "doing nothing wrong." Remember that tweet about "Pence didn't have the courage"? Came after Trump found out about all the "Hang Mike Pence!"
  • Anybody else ask Trump for pardons after January 6? Oh just Mark Meadows and Rudy Giuliani.

In summary and in conclusion, Liz Cheney finished the hearing by teasing messages somebody/ies have been getting from somebody/ies just reassuring them before they meet with the committee that Daddy loves you and Daddy knows you love him and Daddy gently reminds you that if you tell the truth about Daddy to the Unselect Committee he will put a horse head in your bed and probably also some horse testicles in your lunchbox.

As we said, just a fuckin' boring hearing.

Now y'all get to have a fuckin' boring OPEN THREAD.

[Business Insider / same]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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