10 More Things About Herschel Walker That Are Untrue, Should He Claim Otherwise

National Politics
10 More Things About Herschel Walker That Are Untrue, Should He Claim Otherwise

Bless everyone's hearts, we need to have a talk with Georgia Republican voters, because this thing just keeps happening.

Herschel Walker says something about himself, like "I am an astronaut robot from France" or "I don't have any other kids I haven't told my campaign about" -- not direct quotes, mind you — and Georgia Republicans will clap their hands and say "YAY!" because it's just pretty neat to have a candidate like Herschel Walker, who's been so many places and done so many things.

It's happened again. Another clip has surfaced, of Walker telling lies about how he used to be the feds. (He's not the feds.)

But in this one he's not just the feds (not the feds), but he's also got some pretty serious anger issues, talking about grabbing a gun because he was going to kill somebody. "I thought I was losing my mind," he says, in the only sentence in the below clip that rings true. He prayed for Jesus to stop him from shooting the person. And Jesus stopped him. And you know how? Jesus put a bumper sticker on the truck of the guy he was going to shoot that said "Honk if you love Jesus."

Isn't that a good story that absolutely did not happen?

This is just going to keep happening, we have no idea what Herschel Walker is going to say next, and we hate to see Georgia Republicans get all excited only to immediately become disappointed when they find out whatever outlandish claim is not true. So let's just go over some things that are true, to maybe soften the blow for next time:

1. Herschel Walker is not just a girl who cain't say no.

2. A house did not fall on Herschel Walker's sister.

3. Herschel Walker did not meet a genie who granted him three wishes so that he might meet the sultan's daughter, who was very pretty.

4. Likewise, Herschel Walker did not meet a sea witch who granted him feet in exchange for his voice and that's the story of how he met like the hottest guy ever.

5. Herschel Walker did not go undercover as a Kindergarten Cop, which was just really out of character for him, but the results were just adorable!

6. Herschel Walker did not WE REPEAT DID NOT shoot a man just to watch him die.

7. Herschel Walker did not chase a white rabbit down a hole and drink magic potions that made him VERY BIG and VERY SMALL and then he met a caterpillar smoking a hookah and a disappearing cat and a Mad Hatter and a March Hare and an evil queen and solve the riddle of "why is a raven like a writing desk?"

Did. Not. Happen.

8. No one calls Herschel Walker the space cowboy.

9. No one calls him the gangster of love.

10. Literally no one calls him Maurice.

We hope this clears some things up and we will probably write this post 20 more times before November.

Fuckin' do better, Georgia.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc