Who Opened Up Hunter Biden's Laptop And Let All The SEXY Out?

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Who Opened Up Hunter Biden's Laptop And Let All The SEXY Out?

The midterms are just a little more than a month away, so Republicans are naturally very concerned about national security threat Hunter Biden. How is he still at large?

Rep. James Comer from Kentucky, the ranking member on the House Oversight Committee, has vowed to harass President Joe Biden's wayward son (for America!) if Republicans gain control of the House of Representatives. We assume this will simultaneously reduce inflation and violent crime while securing the border.

For years now, Comer has suggested without much compelling evidence that Hunter Biden is in bed with China or at least hot Chinese spies. He tweeted in December 2020, while Donald Trump was plotting a coup: "Eric Swalwell’s spy scandal and Hunter Biden’s shady business dealings are prime examples of a national Democrat Party compromised by China. [Joe Biden's] failures to address these issues raise the question: is he compromised by Communist China?"

Eric Swalwell is but one member of Congress, and Hunter Biden doesn't hold elected office. There are far more coup-enabling election deniers within the Republican Party.

Monday night, on "Jesse Watters Primetime," Comer repeated his theory that Hunter Biden’s former assistant, JiaQi Bao, was a spy for the Chinese government. He's heard from "whistleblowers" that Hunter and Bao were doing the horizontal laptop.


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Jesse Watters and Comer speculated like rightwing basement dwellers on 4Chan that President Biden sent oil to China because of all the sexy time Hunter Biden had with JiaQi Bao. It's not simply that Comer disagrees with the president's policies regarding China. No, he is COMPROMISED. This is literally on primetime TV.

Watters asked Comer to "tell us a little bit about this Chinese spy, this new Fang Fang that Hunter fell for." Watters was referring to Christine Fang, a a suspected Chinese spy who targeted California politicians. Republicans won't shut up about this "scandal," but Swalwell was never suspected of any wrongdoing and when the FBI briefed him about Fang's suspected espionage activities, he immediately cut off all contact with her. Although that is somewhat classic "cut and run" dude behavior, there's no evidence they were sexually involved.

Comer filled in Watters on all the valuable work he's doing on behalf of the American people:

Well, when we saw the map, looking through the hard drive, you saw the PowerPoint presentation, which was a map of America in Chinese.

And you saw that this was something that was given to Hunter for a presentation to the Chinese. We traced it back and it was submitted by his assistant. Well, I looked at a picture, I Googled a picture of his assistant. She’s a very attractive girl, so I started looking even more.

If only the Chinese had thought to hire uggo spies, this investigation would've stopped in its tracks. Comer continued, grossly:

We discussed with the whistleblower, and according to the whistleblower they were more than just business associates if you know what I mean, Jesse.

Watters confirmed, "Oh, I know what you mean." He sounded very proud of himself, like he'd aced the SATs or something, but it's not like Comer was all that subtle.

Comer declared, "This is another potential Eric Swalwell situation," which means it's nothing. It's not even worthy of the National Enquirer's front page.

Watters ended the segment with some common slander: "I mean, it’s just so easy to corrupt these politicians, isn’t it? Just throw a little nice attractive Chinese spy in the mix. Next thing you know, they’re selling you gas at a discount."

Fang cozied up to lot of politicians, including Fox News darling Tulsi Gabbard. There's no evidence that national security was compromised. Hunter Biden isn't even a politician, which I suppose we'll just have to keep reminding everyone for the next two to six years.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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