Cry More, Jesse Watters

Here is Fox News host Jesse Watters blubbering like a fucking idiot about putting HIS PRESIDENT in jail, and if you put HIS PRESIDENT in jail, you are putting 74 MILLION VOTES IN JAIL.

It is not rational and he should smile more.

Good heavens.

Sounding like he was near tears, he said, "They better not put my president in prison!" Or what, nerd?

"He represents 74 million Americans! And if he's the nominee, you're putting 74 million votes in prison!"

Actually, they would be putting him in prison for crimes he committed. Hopefully he will be imprisoned for many of his crimes, eventually. The poor choices of 74 million Americans are immaterial and pale in comparison to the 81 million Americans who didn't select a known criminal who had by the time they voted in 2020 already been impeached for trying to shake down an American ally to help him steal the election. Who had already committed so many high crimes and misdemeanors.

Watters's voice shaking and growing louder, he complained that Trump merely put his secret payoff to Stormy Daniels "in the wrong column," and called this a "bookkeeping charge." (Reminder: There is no indictment out yet, so none of us has actually read the charging documents.) He said Hillary Clinton put "the dossier" in the same "column" as Trump put his Stormy Daniels peener payment.

It was very overwrought.

Watters also tried to argue yesterday that you cannot even prove Trump slept with Stormy Daniels, because there ain't no baby.

Yeah, so, hate to bring this up, but Stormy Daniels wrote in her book about how Trump's penis was "smaller than average" and "he knows he has an unusual penis" and "it has a huge mushroom head, like a toadstool." She wrote about being "annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart."

Again, hate to bring all that up, but we have a feeling we're going to be talking about it again. It's just one of those "He Said, She Said His Penis Was Icky And Weird" situations, we guess.

Also the $130,000 would seem to suggest that Mario Kart was played.

If you want to read the rest of Watters's rant about how "they" are trying to instigate another January 6 by indicting Trump in Manhattan — we guess that's just bait for Trump supporters whose parents never taught them how to act in public — and how "This is an absolute disgrace, and I’m not going to stand for it!" you may click on this Mediaite link.

To us his blubbering about Trump potentially being held accountable for this particular incident seems on brand for a guy who also bragged about tricking his now-wife into getting into his car by letting the air our of her tires, and is also just a gross sexist in general.

We'll wrap up with a quick postscript, because of a couple of whataboutisms du jour we've seen making the rounds. We don't actually know what DA Alvin Bragg's indictment might say, but Tucker Carlson last night told his viewers that "federal investigators concluded that nothing criminal had taken place" with Trump's payment to Stormy Daniels, which is strange because of how Michael Cohen went to prison for committing those crimes at the direction of "Individual 1" AKA Donald Trump.

Time To Refresh Yourself On Trump, Stormy Daniels And The Case Of The Porn Peener Payoffs!

Tucker then told his viewers that "settlements like this, whatever you think of them," are just extremely common these days. It's just a non-disclosure agreement, or an NDA! No big.

Meanwhile, Republican Rep. Andy Biggs half-wittedly bitched on Twitter yesterday that we have a "two-tier justice system" because Bill Clinton paid an $850K civil settlement to Paula Jones and Donald Trump paid a $130K porn peener hush money payoff, and the DA in New York wants to jail Trump!

It's not that we think these people are actually so stupid that they don't understand the difference between legal NDAs, legal settlements, and secret porn peener payoffs to keep salacious information from coming out during a presidential campaign.

Of course, if they're not that stupid, that means they're just lying.

Oh well, we guess we'll just let the 2018 version of Trump's current lawyer Joe Tacopina have the last word, via this CNN transcript Washington Post reporter Aaron Blake tweeted. (By the way, Blake has a very nice explainer on all this out just this morning.)

"It's illegal, by the way," said Joe Tacopina.

"It's illegal, by the way," said Tacopina. He said it twice in that interview, actually. Not the only time he said that kind of stuff in those days either.

Seems pretty simple to us! Go to prison, Donald.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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