Nikki Haley Gonna Be President, Except For Part Where She Finishes Last In South Carolina Primary

Nikki Haley Gonna Be President, Except For Part Where She Finishes Last In South Carolina Primary

"Morning Joe" viewers rejoice! Nikki Haley, a supposed sensible Republican, is expected to launch her doomed 2024 presidential campaign on February 15. She should've scheduled the official announcement a day early, on Valentine's Day, and handed out little candy hearts that read "I Luv Nikki." Her campaign hasn't even begun, and there are already so many missed opportunities.


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During a Fox News interview earlier this year, Haley declared, “When you’re looking at a run for president, you look at two things: You first look at, does the current situation push for new leadership? The second question is, am I that person that could be that new leader?" And those questions pointed to a giant neon billboard flashing "NIKKI!"

“Yes, we need to go in a new direction,” NIKKI! said. “And can I be that leader? Yes, I think I can be that leader.”

No, you can't. Come down to earth, for God's sake.

A Morning Consult Republican primary poll this week had Haley at just three percent. She boasted a commanding six percent in a New York Times/Siena College poll last year. You have to really work at sucking to poll lower than Ted Cruz.

Rightwing wishcaster the Trafalgar Group released a poll late last week of Republican primary voters in South Carolina, where Haley lives and served as governor from 2011 to 2017. She face-planted fourth at 12 percent behind Sen. Tim Scott (14 percent), Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (28 percent), and her former boss Donald Trump (43 percent). She can ask her buddy Sen. Marco Rubio, whom she endorsed in 2016, how humiliating it is to lose your home state. It seems like her political advisers are Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom.

Arguably, the most definitive sign that she was running came on Monday, when Haley tweeted, simply and grossly, "CRT is un-American." She's referring to critical race theory, and what's actually "un-American" is declaring an entire field of study, which has existed for decades, an existential threat to the nation. However, one must slay irony with a straight face before you can even enter a Republican primary.

Ron Filipkowski pointed out that this was Haley's "second tweet ever about CRT, the other is recent. While Republicans spent two years raging about this, not a word from Nikki." In other words, she's a political weathervane who goes where her focus groups tell her the wind is blowing, because she can't even feel it herself. She's a craven opportunist, a complete fraud. On the other hand, I hear she has a tremendous singing voice.

Haley's been late to the party on most rightwing culture war issues, including mask mandates. MAGA voters aren't the brightest stars in the heavens, but they can tell that Haley's faking the fascist funk. For instance, the Republican-controlled South Carolina Legislature has passed legislation that bans critical race theory in public schools as well as colleges and universities. But CRT has existed for decades, including the period when Haley was governor. Did she just now notice that this "un-American" academic theory was "indoctrinating" students on her watch? MAGA voters probably haven't forgotten that Haley ordered the removal of the Confederate battle flag from the state capitol grounds, thus surrendering to the "woke" mob.

She also folded early and often after the January 6 insurrection. She originally repudiated Trump and his jacklegged coup but she lacked the fortitude of Adam Kinzinger and Liz Cheney, who remained anti-insurrection even when it became politically uncomfortable. Barely four months after Trump tried to violently overturn a presidential election, she declared that she was fully on board the Trump 2024 train.

“I would not run if President Trump ran, and I would talk to him about it,” Haley told the Associated Press. “That’s something that we’ll have a conversation about at some point, if that decision is something that has to be made.”

Trump mentioned this pledge last weekend during his New Hampshire hate rally: “I talked to her for a little while, I said, ‘Look, you know, go by your heart if you want to run,’” he said. “She’s publicly said that ‘I would never run against my president, he was a great president.’”

The mad MAGA king probably doesn't consider Haley much of a threat, considering that he reportedly dismissed her as a potential running mate because of her "complexion problem." Ending the 2024 primary with a giant scarlet "L" on her forehead isn't going to make her more appealing to the eventual Republican nominee.

We will enjoy watching Republicans reject her with extreme prejudice.


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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