2 High Agency Males Going At It
People forget how men with testicles spar.
You thought the most embarrassing thing that happened yesterday was going to be Donald Trump telling the German chancellor in the Oval Office that maybe D-Day (anniversary: today) was bad for his country. And that was horrifically embarrassing. Friedrich Merz had to be like Ja, ummmmmm, an diesem Tag wurde Deutschland von den Nazis befreit, but he said it in English, and it was kind of pointed because Ukraine is trying to get free of the fucking tyrants right now too, and, well, so is the United States, ahem.
Watch it! No, the whole thing!
Merz also gave Trump the longform birth certificate of his own grandfather Friedrich Trump, to remind him of how he is a German immigrant. (Y’all know Trump used to lie and say he was Swedish?)
But yeah, nah. That was not the most embarrassing part of yesterday for Trump. Here’s the most embarrassing part of yesterday for Trump.
It was just 2 high agency males going at it, and some of y’all can’t handle it! (Phallocentric.)
We understand you aren’t used to it.
Sorry you forgot how men with testicles spar. This is what masculinity looks like.
Before we move on, imagine how weak of a man a MAGA man must be to look at Donald Trump and Elon Musk slap-fighting on Twitter and Truth Social and think “wow, that’s some hard dick action right there!”
Jesus.
OK anyway, yes, it was the great Donald Trump/Elon Musk divorce of 2025, and it happened right in front of the entire world, for maximum humiliation of our once-great nation!
After all Elon’s attacks on Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill last week, Trump finally started babbling about it yesterday in the Oval Office, when a reporter asked him.
Watch him lose it at Elon. Also watch how in the middle of this response Trump manages to hallucinate that World War I both began and ended in the Oval Office. Why? Well, have you heard that Trump is a dipshit?
Elon started responding to Trump’s attacks on Twitter, like some kind of man who reportedly does ketamine all the time so much he can’t pee straight, and could have been fucked up on it right then, how would we know? Just after Trump insisted that he would have won Pennsylvania even without Elon, we got this:
Amazing. And a very specific allegation of numbers! How he know that? Maybe he will blow some more gaskets and tell us.
Elon was just getting madder and madder, wherever he was, and we guess Stephen Miller’s wife wasn’t around to tell him to cool his jets. (Or maybe she was telling him to WARM his jets! Which sounds gross, but we don’t know why.)
There was this one, which we are sure gave Matt Yglesias and Jake Tapper types some kind of frontal stiffness:
Um, yeah, sure, that “80% in the middle” that gives Nazi salutes and doesn’t think Elon Musk is a gigantic fucking dork. You bet.
Trump started getting in on it on Truth Social.
You know Trump typed it because he claimed to fire Elon, and also because of the illiterate quotation marks around “wearing thin.” Maybe he thinks he just invented that expression, like “groceries.”
Elon:
Trump upped the ante, suggesting an idea that would be perfectly great if it wasn’t done for personal retribution purposes:
If it’s what you say, we love it, especially later in the summer!
Then Elon upped the ante in his own way, saying hey, know why you haven’t seen the Epstein files? Because that dirty bitch Trump is IN ‘EM.
Hoo boy! Donald Trump in the Epstein files, and that’s why Pam Bondi is scared to release them? Who among us would have thought?
OK, everybody, you can stop raising your hands!
There was this weird one where that one Malaysian urinal cake Twitter poster who’s never been to the United States but for some reason types about American politics constantly tweeted, “President vs Elon. Who wins? My money's on Elon. Trump should be impeached and JD Vance should replace him.” In reply, Elon said “Yes.”
Has there ever been a situation where the president’s biggest donor, who literally bought the presidency for him eight months ago, called for his impeachment? Don’t think so!
Throughout the day, Elon also predicted Trump’s tariffs would cause a recession, retweeted more about Epstein, and retweeted this picture of … JD Vance having a threesome with that hairball Theo Von and a couch? He used the laugh-y crying emoji? Also, is Theo Von developing Mar-a-Lago Face?
Yeah OK that picture is gross.
Also gross is how thirstily Elon is trying to pull JD over to his side in that tweet.
So anyway, isn’t this cute how Elon and Trump were each going back and forth on their social media platforms that they own? Get in on this, Mark Zuckerberg! Post a fightin’ meme of your biceps and your little orphan Annie hair or something!
At some point during all this, Steve Bannon called for Trump to cancel all Elon’s federal contracts, order investigations into Elon’s drug abuse, immigration status and ties to China, and also GO BACK TO AFRICA.
QUESTION: if Elon gets deported to South Africa, is Katie Miller going with him there too?
And then what will Stephen Miller be like?
Serious talk for one sec, if Trump deports Elon, y’all need to get ready for how we are going to have to … *groan* … be against that. Because literally if we are OK with Trump deporting one political enemy, that’s the gateway drug to the Nazis doing it more and more.
Even if it’s Elon.
No really. We CANNOT CHEER for Elon being deported. Read this thread for more on that.
At some point in the day, the aforementioned Matthew Yglesias had this idea for how Democrats should start immediately suckling at Elon’s balls trying to woo him back, and Bluesky promptly smacked the shit out of him (click through for the whole thing):
Chris Hayes said this funny thing:
Oh and there was this, one of the all-time great skeets:
If you don’t know that joke, history lesson.
Kanye was upset that Daddy and Daddy were fighting.
So was hedge fund pube and Trump/Elon fluffer Bill Ackman:
And Elon replied:
Sooooo if there is some big dramatic mutual taint-kissing beer summit in the Rose Garden and everything is better by tonight, don’t be surprised.
So that was Thursday!
And Democrats responded by … taking absolutely zero advantage of it, because they were angry nobody was talking about KITCHEN TABLE ISSUES, why doesn’t anybody want to talk about KITCHEN TABLE ISSUES, waaaaaaaaaaaah we don’t know how to talk to people who are currently laughing and having fun, WAAAAAAAAAH THERE IS LAUGHING AT MY KITCHEN TABLE!
(Yes, we know, the Democrats did tweets about Trump and Epstein. That does not negate the rest of it.)
Here’s a whole thread of that, to drive you up a goddamned wall.
They literally all said some version of that, like it was their clever line they all agreed on.
Here is a thread from yours truly that got a lot of traffic, replying to a similar post from Chris Murphy:
And we’ll let Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have the last word, because she’s the only Democrat whose response made it to the front page of main Reddit where it stayed all night. Hey, you know where is a good place to cut through the noise and reach all swaths of people, many of whom aren’t paying all that much attention? The front page of Reddit.
Chef’s kiss, the end.
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Fellas, is it gay to fantasize about the ball size on the two biggest whiners in the world?
"This is what masculinity looks like."
Like two drunken old queens in a slap-fight at a tea dance?