2024 Actual Person Of The Year: Kamala Harris
Time Magazine can give it to Trump like they gave it to Hitler and Stalin. Can also eat bags of dicks.
Usually on New Year’s Eve, Wonkette awards a Legislative Shitheel award, to a member of the Senate or House who acted in such a way that year that they deserve to be called the Shitheel of all Shitheels. Not this year, this year we’re doing something different.
Usually Wonkette awards a Legislative Hero award, to a member of the Senate or House who deserves that honor. Not this year. Who would we even pick? Maybe AOC.
This year it’s an overall hero we have in mind, and you probably already know who she is, because you read the headline and looked at the picture before you read this paragraph, like a cheater.
Vice President Kamala Harris would have been this year’s hero no matter which way the election went, because she was handed an almost unbelievably difficult task. Coming out of COVID, President Joe Biden — whose presidency we believe history will remember well — was historically unpopular.
And then he had that debate where he couldn’t remember which way was “malarkey,” and it thoroughly freaked everyone out, including all the voters who had been telling pollsters for months that they didn’t want to have to choose between two fossilized sets of testicles for president.
So he dropped out and endorsed his vice president, Kamala Harris. And Democratic voters and the party broke a land speed record for rallying around her. And she got on the runway and she took off, literally and figuratively, and there was energy on our side for the first time in a long damn time.
Her campaign was just about flawless. We say “just about” because obviously it could have been better. They did not win. If they had won, we’d call it “flawless” without any qualifiers.
But considering the short amount of time and how far from behind she and her America’s Dad running mate Tim Walz started, it was damned close.
With the benefit of a 30,000-foot view and hindsight, we now understand that pretty much every incumbent leader and governing party in the developed world has gotten their ass kicked in their first major election coming out of COVID. Of course, by that metric, Democrats and Harris performed better than other incumbents around the world.
(“KIND OF LIKE BIDEN’S RECOVERY WAS THE BEST IN THE WORLD!” we say really loudly so maybe Joe Rogan can hear us.)
But even in normal times, there is a certain kind of profoundly stupid voter, both here and abroad, who votes for “change” every time, because their own personal life hasn’t been miraculously renovated like an old shack on Chip and Joanna’s latest Shiplap For Jesus HGTV monstrosity. So they swing back and forth and back and forth, like a goldfish humping a pendulum.
That’s been, we reckon, particularly pronounced after COVID, the experience of which millions of our fellow citizens seem to have memoryholed entirely. EVERYTHING IS NOT PERFECT YEEEEEEETTTTTTTTTTT! Something something CAN’T EVEN AFFORD TO PUT GAS IN MY EGGS!
Meanwhile they just fucked off setting records for Christmas and Black Friday spending and all that. We just hope Trump’s tariffs don’t come back to bite them in the ass, haha just kidding. Fuck around and find out, losers!
There was this one other thing, or rather two, that made it difficult for many of America’s most profoundly stupid voters to make a wise choice on November, and it’s that many of those people are also racists and misogynists, and Kamala Harris, one of the most supremely qualified candidates in history, is a Black woman.
And the guy who beat her is a white supremacist with 34 felony convictions, an adjudicated rapist who reminds all decent and smart people of Hitler, but like if Hitler had recently been skull-banged with an anvil and there were cartoon birdies flying around his head.
Also we guess those voters didn’t hate old fossilized balls that much, FUCKING DID THEY?
But we digress.
With all that said, and against all those headwinds, and everything else, she came so close.
Donald Trump’s popular vote win was eeny weeny, like 1.5 points. He didn’t even hit 50 percent. If fewer than 250,000 votes across the so-called allegedly “Blue Wall” states had gone the other way, Harris would be moving into the White House and Donald Trump could very well be starting down his final path toward the prison sentences he so richly deserves.
She did that, in what? 107 days? She came that close?
Fuck, let her be the nominee in 2028 after Trump and President Musk have fucked the country to death, let’s see how hard the pendulum-humping goldfish vote for “change.”
Now, since it’s New Year’s Eve, let’s relive Kamala Harris’s Democratic National Convention speech, which most of Wonkette got to witness in person and will never forget:
And let’s relive Harris’s magnificent Ellipse speech, when she reconsecrated the ground Donald Trump so thoroughly shat all over in 2021 before his followers launched a terrorist attack against the Capitol to overturn the election:
And finally, watch Harris speaking just two weeks ago to students in Maryland, telling them to stay in the fight and not to give up:
As Rachel Maddow said one night on MSNBC in the days after the election, history didn’t end on November 5. And we might have lost that battle, but we did not lose the war, no matter what vile fascist MAGA motherfuckers would like us to think.
And we’ll tell you one damn thing for sure: This isn’t the last any of us have heard from Kamala Harris. We might one day yet call her Madam President.
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Damn the fireworks are insane. It rained most of the evening and now that it's stopped people have a ton of shit to explode.
Scroll to the bottom of this post and you will see a brand new picture of me. https://open.substack.com/pub/ziggywiggy/p/all-potted-up-on-the-weed-holiday?r=2knfuc&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true