2025 In Trump's Rotting Body
We just hope it hurts!
We feel as if this got missed in the early weeks of the Trump administration, what with the firehose of shitty news that blasted us all in the face nonstop with enough force to tear off our eyebrows. But did you remember that reporters first started asking questions about weird bruising on the back of the president’s tiny orange hands as early as February?
We sure didn’t, but we also spent every day of February searching for our eyebrows. So.
But in February, there was not really any unusual cause for alarm. (Or hopefulness.) Trump is old, and as anyone who has aged or cared for an aging relative knows, bruises that 30 years ago might have faded after a day or two now can linger for weeks. Maybe Trump had been playing a lot of golf. Maybe Melania slapped his hand away with enough force to cause the Earth’s orbit to wobble when he tried to touch her. Maybe he was constantly banging the Diet Coke button on his desk with the enthusiasm of a toddler mashing piano keys.
Anyway, Press Dumbfuck Karoline Leavitt claimed that Trump’s hand got bruised because he was shaking so many other peoples’ hands. And since literally every word out of Leavitt’s mouth is a lie, including the articles, it was easy to let that one slide by while we tried to keep up with the rest of it.
But since then, various events have raised one question after another about Trump’s physical and mental state. Come, let us relive this journey together!
THE CANKLES OF JULY
Ah, July, the most pleasant month of the year in the mid-Atlantic region if you are already a wet towel. That was the month Trump attended the World Cup Club Final at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey. There he sat, suit pants riding up to mid-shin so that the entire world noticed his ankles were swollen so badly that he looked as if he might be walking around on a couple of basketballs.
Even Leavitt couldn’t spin that away. What excuse could she give, that the president was shaking ankles with world leaders? No, in this case the White House was forced to admit that the healthiest president ever had developed chronic venous insufficiency, a very common condition for people his age that can come about from too much sitting. Or alternately, from too much standing still. Like, say, you are a person who gives a lot of speeches while rooted behind a lectern.
As we noted at the time, the AP dug up a doctor to explain that it was no big deal.
Still, given Trump’s constant denigration of Joe Biden’s clear age-related cognitive decline and his sycophants’ years-long cheering of his allegedly unusual robustness, it was fun to see the White House admit that age does indeed come for even Donald Trump after all.
TRUMP DROPS OUT OF SIGHT FOR FOUR DAYS WITH NO EXPLANATION
Has anyone ever known Donald Trump to stay away from a camera for four straight days? And yet it happened around the beginning of September. As we wrote at the time:
No afternoon gatherings in the Oval Office to yell at reporters. No impromptu press sprays outside the White House as he walks to his helicopter to fly to Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster. Nothing. Oh, there was the usual steady stream of babble on TruthSocial, but he could have been writing that while superglued to his toilet.
Finally, after four days, Trump emerged briefly from the White House to hop in a limo to go play golf. It was unusual enough that he was spending a weekend in Washington instead of flying off to his Bedminster club like he does just about every other weekend in the summer. It did not help his cause that in pictures of him leaving the White House, even accounting for being taken from a distance, he looked like one of the skeletal figures that chases Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz in an early scene in The Mummy Returns.
NEVER FORGET 9/11
Where were you on the morning of September 11 when you first heard that Donald Trump’s face was drooping like the jowls on a basset hound?
In September, right after his mysterious disappearance, Trump attended a 9/11 memorial event at the Pentagon. That was when eagle-eyed observers noticed that the right side of his face was drooping so visibly that his mouth looked like the mouth on the 🫤 emoji.
Joy and speculation immediately broke out: Had Donald Trump suffered a stroke? Had he suffered some sort of brain infarction that resembled a stroke? Was that why he looked like he was sucking on a particularly pungent grapefruit? Trump has practically, well, given himself a stroke denying he’s had a stroke or a series of mini-strokes. For whatever that’s worth.
DISAPPEARANCE REDUX
In early October, Trump again dropped out of sight for four days. Again, there were no press sprays in the Oval Office, no Cabinet meetings where his sycophants tried to one-up each other with over-the-top paeans to his genius and leadership. This, along with the always-bruised hands, led to speculation that Trump was receiving regular IV infusions. But of what? Chemo? Medication for congestive heart failure? Kisunla, a monthly treatment to help offset early symptoms of Alzheimer’s? So many possibilities, none of them good for him!
MAN! WOMAN! TV! GIRAFFE!
October was also the month Trump started bragging about having aced a cognitive test during a sudden visit to Walter Reed Medical Center for his annual checkup. Nothing particularly weird about that, since he bragged about acing cognitive tests during his first term in office. Except:
This was his second physical in six months. Not necessarily unusual for a person of his age, but not exactly reassuring for a man in one of the most mentally and physically stressful jobs on the planet.
Taking multiple cognitive tests in a short period of time brings up the obvious question of whether there is significant cognitive decline that needs to be closely monitored.
M(R)I IN GOOD HEALTH? YOU BETCHA!
Trump also got an MRI during his October checkup. Given that doctors usually only order one of those up if they have something specific they want to examine more closely — a cyst on an organ, a vicious alien with acid for blood growing in the chest cavity — we could not help but wonder what it was that his medical team might be worried about.
Trump could not name the body part that the MRI examined. But predictably, he told reporters the MRI was “perfect,” and that doctors had never seen so perfect an MRI. Asked again a few weeks later why he had the MRI, all he could say was that doctors hadn’t been checking his brain, because otherwise how could he have aced a cognitive test, duh.
We were left speechless by this answer, though not for the reasons Trump probably would have thought.
There was more. He’s lost weight. Cognitively, Trump has rambled more in his speeches than ever before. He’s been less restrained in insulting reporters, calling one woman “Piggy” and denigrating others as being “obnoxious” and terrible. This could be a sign of a filter giving way, and Trump did not have much of a filter to begin with.
Trump has also been publicly musing about whether he’ll get to heaven or not, a question we can answer whether or not he asks us. It appears to have been on his mind enough that his team has sent out fundraising emails asking for donations to help him get there. Might a bad medical situation have him wrestling with his mortality?
It may be hard to believe, but we wish good health for Trump. [Speak for yourself, GARY. — Trix.] For one thing, if he dies, JD Vance takes over. The national debt is big enough without the commensurate increase in the White House’s scotchguarding furniture budget blowing a bigger hole in it.
No, we want Donald Trump to live long enough to see the next Democratic president take a wrecking ball to that monstrosity of a ballroom for which he tore down the East Wing. We want him to live long enough to see the city of Washington tear down his copy of the Arc de Triomphe if he gets that built. We definitely want him to live long enough to watch his name get chiseled off of the Kennedy Center.
We want Trump to live long enough to witness every physical vestige of his reign getting knocked down, torn down, imploded, demolished, and dropped into the Potomac. America has earned it.
[Scientific American / Axios / Yahoo]
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"No, we want Donald Trump to live long enough to see the next Democratic president take a wrecking ball to that monstrosity of a ballroom for which he tore down the East Wing. We want him to live long enough to see the city of Washington tear down his copy of the Arc de Triomphe if he gets that built. We definitely want him to live long enough to watch his name get chiseled off of the Kennedy Center.
We want Trump to live long enough to witness every physical vestige of his reign getting knocked down, torn down, imploded, demolished, and dropped into the Potomac. America has earned it."
Very much so...not to mention I don't want Just Deranged to have his finger on the nuclear button FFCS...
Any chance that the rest of the posts won't make me want to throw up?
A girl can dream.