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Jared Book Bad
You weren't going to read it anyway.
Let's be real here. We are never going to read Jared Kushner's book and neither are you, and we don't understand who at Broadside Books greenlit it or why. Who thought there was a constituency for a book by Jared Kushner? Democrats didn't want it. MAGA Republicans aren't really readers, and we're pretty sure none of them ever idolized Jared anyway. (A book where Don Jr. and Eric name each other's farts and then eat them, on the other hand? That would sell like hotcakes for the MAGA set, they should call it Let's Go Brandon .)
Anyway, thank Christ the New York Times saw fit to print Dwight Garner's review of Jared's piece of crap, which is called Breaking History , and which Garner calls "soulless and very selective." At 492 pages, Garner describes it as "lengthy" and "it's a slog."
He starts out the gate making fun of the title:
It’s a title that, in its thoroughgoing lack of self-awareness, matches this book’s contents. Kushner writes as if he believes foreign dignitaries (and less-than dignitaries) prized him in the White House because he was the fresh ideas guy, the starting point guard, the dimpled go-getter.
We always laughed at Wonkette about that, about how Jared just really thought he was going to Middle East to Do Things and Make Peace and Solve It. Meanwhile Saudi Prince Bonesaw bragged about how he had Jared "in his back pocket."
Hey, wonder if those wild and crazy princes have gotten any special delivery nuclear documents in the mail lately, postmarked Palm Beach? We are just asking.
He betrays little cognizance that he was in demand because, as a landslide of other reporting has demonstrated, he was in over his head , unable to curb his avarice, a cocky young real estate heir who happened to unwrap a lot of Big Macs beside his father-in-law, the erratic and misinformed and similarly mercenary leader of the free world.
As we were saying, about the back pockets and such.
Read the entire review, it's thoroughly enjoyable.
Other good phrases and sentences featured therein include:
"looks like a mannequin, and he writes like one"
"does strange things to vegetables"
"Reading this book reminded me of watching a cat lick a dog’s eye goo."
"The tone is college admissions essay." (Wow, 492 pages of that?)
"In tonight’s performance, the role of the duck will be played by a beet, doing things no root vegetable should be asked to do."
"He recalls every drop of praise he’s ever received; he brings these home and he leaves them on the doorstep." Garner lists a bunch of them and says, "A therapist might call these cries for help."
"He read Sun Tzu and imagined he was becoming a warrior."
"What a queasy-making book to have in your hands."
"tastes like Lemon Pledge and smells like a burning joint."
Oh dangit fuck, we have just been informed that all quotes above that reference vegetables or how something tastes are not from the review of Jared's shitty book, but rather from the same paper's hilarious viral review of famous New York restaurant Eleven Madison's Park experiment with going vegan.
What a sloppy mistake on our part.
However, we cannot say with certainty that Jared Kushner does not taste like Lemon Pledge and we absolutely do not want to do the journalism required to find out. We also don't know if the things he does to vegetables are strange, not strange, or something in between.
Somehow, though, we can see somebody derisively saying Jared is a "beet" when what they really needed was a "duck," although we are not certain what the insult there means.
Fuckin' Jared, fuckin' beet tryin' to be a motherfuckin' duck, Jesus Christ.
WONKETTE REVIEW OF BOOK LITERALLY NOBODY WILL EVER READ: Sounds pretty good! Just kidding, fuck off.
Still totally want to know if Jared is the FBI's Mar-a-Lago mole. Wouldn't that be just perfect?
[ New York Times ]
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